Barnes Family

You Are Invited!!!

2012-02-07T22:22:00.006-05:00

Okay so I have worked really hard on this little invite and I can not get it to be any bigger. After two days I am giving up:(
Here are the details!

WHERE: Grace Church (sanctuary)
52025 Gumwood Rd. Granger
WHEN: Saturday February 18th 2012

TIME: 10am

Please join our family as we celebrate the life that our God has given us. Elias Andrew Barnes was born on Friday, February 18th 2011 at 6:21am and walked into Heaven 17 hours 4 minutes later at 11:25pm. We would like you to join us, not for a reflection of his death, but for the LIFE that was given to each of us. We will celebrate by having a time of worship and prayer followed by a balloon release.

We would be honored if you would bring with you a donation (diapers in all sizes, wipes, baby clothing in any size or gender or any type of baby care item) in remembrance of Elias for the Pregnancy Care Center or monetary donation to March of Dimes, Team Elias.

"For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mothers's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:13

Moms Day

2012-02-04T21:18:00.004-05:00

Last week at Ethan's preschool they had a day for Moms to visit and be with their kids for the morning. It was fun to hear the good morning and good bye songs and see exactly how his day is. Ethan has the privilege of going to school with his good buddy and cousin Daniel. Ethan loves that he gets to be at school with Daniel. The picture of the two of them is too funny! Aunt Carrie is teaching for another teachers medical leave for nine weeks so Aunt Amy stepped up and spent the morning with Daniel. The kids had made cute books that the teachers asked them questions about their Mommy's. Some cute things that Ethan said about me:

I am 16 years old.
I weigh 30 lbs.
My job is working out.
Moms favorite job at home is playing play dough.

I love my mom because she is nice and funny.

Melt my heart...I will be keeping this book forever!!!

Birthday Parties!

2012-02-04T21:09:00.004-05:00

Ethan was a very lucky birthday boy this year. We celebrated his birthday THREE times. On his actual birthday he opened gifts from Corey and I and of course had ice cream cake! Ethan got a new leap pad and loves exploring and learning how to play and use it. Mom is learning too:)

We celebrated with Corey's family on the Sunday after his birthday. Corey's brother and sisters birthday are one day after and four days after Ethan's so it worked out to have a combined party celebrating all of their birthdays. I forgot my camera but Grandma Barnes had a lighting McQueen and mater cake and Ethan got a new scooter that he has gotten great at riding.

Then the next weekend we celebrated with my family for Colson and Ethan's birthday. We had a football theme and the boys loved it.

We are so blessed by family being so close and able to celebrate times three!

No sign needed

2012-01-31T13:50:00.002-05:00

There have been times throughout life after Elias that I have wanted a shirt or a sticker or something showing my loss of my son. Something to acknowledge him, something for people to see and know how special he was. However I have come to a conclusion, really life changing conclusion. I do not need a sticker or shirt or sign. My son is in every detail of my life, it just happens to look different then the place my other children hold. He is with me, every day.

Not for me but for HIM

2012-01-29T21:07:00.006-05:00

Elias birthday is coming up. I want to do something, I have to do something. Not sure how to plan. I tried googling celebrating baby loss birthday but it seems no one writes about this. See its not about the loss that I want to celebrate but for the LIFE.

Life that I choose to give to Elias and not death.

Life that has given me more then I could have ever imagined.

Life that has taught me things about myself that I was too blinded to understand and recognize.

Life that by others saw as in survivable.

Life that has brought together friendships.

Life that impacted others. Some who we will never know about.

Life that has changed my marriage in a way that forces unity, love, appreciation, understanding of our loss and restored connection.

Life that will forever be etched into my soul.

Life that was real. He was born ALIVE!

Life that was created in the image of our Lord and Savior.

Life that can only be given by God.

Life that was created for His glory.

The sadness, the grief, the emptiness, the hurt, the tears, the questions, the anger, the heartache, the anguish, the pain, the sorrow can be overwhelming for some. Those feelings approach and I do allow my tears to fall. I do feel the physical and emotional pain of losing my son. Yet it’s not that those feelings only last a minute its that those feelings come with hope. Hope in my God who is faithful. That He is there for every feeling, every new day. He is there holding me, carrying me, directing me through the work of the spirit. Hope that can never diminish. Never diminish because of my choice to live my life for His glory. Allowing God the victory in every detail.
As I plan for Elias birthday I am not sure what I expect that day to be like. I really wish I knew what and how I was to plan. I know everything will come together. A day filled with celebrating what God has done through a precious life He allowed me to have a privilege of knowing and caring for. I desperately do not want a day about me or Elias death. I want a day knowing we have hope because the price is already paid, the victory has been won.
I have a great team on my side. Be looking for details soon!

Happy 4th Birthday Ethan

2012-01-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

My little boy turns 4 today! Its hard to believe. I have been remembering the day he was born and it feels like yesterday! It was freezing but the sun was shinning so beautifully. He was so little and so sweet. He makes me laugh and my heart grow.

He woke up at 6:30 because he was so excited that it was his birthday. He was confused as to why his pj's still fit because he thought that now that he was four he should have grown:) He loves his little sister and is always looking out for her. Poor Ella is sick today but still loves singing happy birthday to Ethan:) Ethan is writing his name and is so proud of it. He loves going to preschool and playing with his buddy Daniel. Ethan loves to sing and his favorites of lately are a few he learned for his Christmas program; Happy Birthday Jesus, Soft white snow, Jesus Loves me and God is number one. Ethan can sit and play cars/trucks for hours and also loves building. He got a new lego set and Lincoln logs for Christmas that he has been able to use his imagination on. I am always highly impressed with his logical and engineered mind.He is a blessing to our lives and am so thankful for the smiles he brings.

Studying

2012-01-18T14:01:00.004-05:00

The other night after dinner I had some of my bible study lesson to finish up and decided to sit at the table. The kids wanted to study their bibles with me. It was such a precious time to hear them "reading" their bible and sitting so quietly. Memories to last a lifetime!

Winter is Here!!!

2012-01-18T13:54:00.003-05:00

We have finally gotten some decent snowfall and been able to play outside a lot. The kids have been loving it! Normally they last about an hour and then we enjoy some hot chocolate! I really do enjoy winter and how beautiful the fresh fallen snow looks.

Basement

2011-12-31T10:33:00.005-05:00

We have begun a new project at our house this week of finishing our basement. We have wanted to this for awhile and the dream has come true. I am so excited to see it coming together. We have had such amazing help this week. Corey's dad has been down five days on his week of vacation to help. If not for him this project would not really be possible because we would of had to hire an electrician!!! Our awesome neighbor also came over for a few days and brought all of his tools with him. This made many jobs much much easier. What a blessing for friends and family to be close and willing to help. We are adding a play room, living room, computer nook, and crafting area. It will most likely take awhile to get those rooms all put together but I know it will be worth the wait. I am most excited about the toys getting out of the kids rooms and our upstairs living room.

Christmas

2011-12-31T10:20:00.005-05:00

We had a fabulous Christmas weekend. We spent Christmas Eve at my moms house and enjoyed a great evening of food, laughs and gifts. Ella was not feeling too well. She has been fighting runny nose/cough for week but the day before Christmas Eve she ran a fever. Despite her not feeling well she was a trooper. We decided to stay home from church since she was not feeling well. The kids did so well opening their gifts Christmas morning. They rotated opening between the two of them, waiting until the other was done before opening another gift. It was so fun to see them get excited and be able to open on their own this year. After good naps we headed to Corey's parents house. The kids have so much fun playing with their cousins. I am disappointed I did not get more pictures.

My grief had been so heavy up until Christmas and I was actually having a little anxiety about the actual days. But thanks to prayers and the peace of the Lord they were great days. I was overjoyed to think of Elias in heaven celebrating and truly had a peace that only my God can bring. I still imagine daily of what our life would be with a 10 month old crawling around and what joy and blessing he would be bringing our life. Missing him physically but knowing my heart is blessed by being able to be called his mother. Knowing he has changed me even though he is not here with me. He holds a place in my soul that belongs only to him. Love you sweet Elias.

307 days

2011-12-21T21:48:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks have been very emotional for me. First walking through this first Christmas season without my son is heart wrenching. I have had a huge sense that someone has been missing from our family. While loading the kids into the car, I make sure I have both kids because I feel like I am missing one; wondering what it would be like to have Elias with us. Getting the kids ready for the day, feeding them breakfast, putting them to sleep. I can remember one year ago singing to Ella and Elias still being in my belly knowing I would never be able to hold and rock him to sleep like my other kids. Knowing that I was going to lose my son, knowing that he most likely would not come home with us. I never expected the pain and heart ache to be this hard. Its hard because he is apart of our family, he has a mommy, daddy, brother and sister who love him and miss him so much. I have struggled with how to acknowledge that without seeming to be overbearing. He has changed my life so much, how could I just move on and not allow others to know I have a son or that Ethan and Ella have a brother? I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me any different-just know that I have a child who is in Heaven and we miss and love him very much. Its hard. Everyones life continues to move on and so does mine but in a different way then before. Its difficult for me to put into words. I never expected to lose a child, to leave a hospital without my newborn son, to bury my own child. 307 days of missing my sweet sweet child. Daily I am trying to navigate my way through this tightrope of beauty and pain. Knowing that everyone will not understand how I feel or that I will truly be able to explain my feelings. My heart breaks for each one that reads this and knows exactly what I mean.

He Will be Home

2011-12-21T21:33:00.002-05:00

I have some amazing friends. They have supported me, loved me and encouraged me whenever I needed it. I know that Elias' life has had a huge impact on each of these ladies and am so blessed to be able see that. I have received these special ornaments for my baby boy. Ornaments that allow me to acknowledge my son in a way that I was unable to before. He is Forever in our hearts, as the back of the blue bulb reads but he will be forever home with his Heavenly Father. I bet he will have an amazing Christmas.

Baking

2011-12-09T14:58:00.004-05:00

Ethan and Ella have really started to like helping out in the kitchen. We baked cookies last Sunday. They had a blast and stuck around until the very end because that is when I let them taste the spoons:) We made Peanut Butter Blossoms and they unwrapped all of the hershey kisses. I am going to try to start adding baking in to our craft time during the week. It took a little longer and was a little messier but was a great time! Also Ella tried on my shoes, she just thinks she is so big!

Soccer

2011-12-09T14:46:00.000-05:00

Ethan started attending an instructional soccer class once a week thanks to a great deal on groupon:) He is learning toe taps, duck walk, drop kicks, dribbling. He loves running around and playing!

Getting Cold

2011-12-09T14:34:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago we had a very light snow fall. The kids were amazed to watch it fall out the window. We enjoyed our first hot chocolates of the winter. They thought they were so big to drink out of mommy and daddy's cups:)

Today-9 months

2011-11-18T20:31:00.007-05:00

Today the memories and heartache of the last year have weighed heavy on my heart. Its really hard to put into words how the loss can tumble over me when I think I am going strong. There are so many emotions. Its hard to believe that one year ago I had Elias in my belly. Tossing, kicking, moving all around. We were praying our way through the unexpected. I never expected this journey to be so hard at times. Today I hope for so many things

Just a few more kisses.
Just a few more snuggles.
One more minute, hour, day...
For him to be here on this Earth.
Celebrating his firsts of everything to come. Nine months brings so many milestones. Decorating for the Holidays, tree trimming. As I watch my other kids hang ornaments I imagine a curious little boy crawling around trying to get whatever his big brother and sister have. Missing Elias in a way I have not felt. We have been through Easter/Mothers Day but Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to important and he is not here. My tears are many today. I looked through lots of pictures and we have a about ten short (10 second) videos of him. I saw things today for the first time. One video is right after he is born and you can see him breathing, his chest moving up and down, I never really saw that part. I think I was concentrating more on his body as a whole. He was alive. Can you think if I had terminated as the doctor recommended? Not ever giving him a chance at life? I can not! There was another video of us giving him a bath. I remember being so nervous I was going to hurt him but today I did not see nervous. I saw a mommy who loved her baby boy and was giving him his first bath. There is another video of us dressing him, weighing him and Corey rocking and praying over him. It feels like an out of body experince watching those videos. That was me, by the grace of God, having joy and laughter, at a time that maybe some would be heartbroken. Truth is I was heartbroken and still am but having the protection, peace, hope, love and promises of our Heavenly Father gave me that joy. He takes care of his flock. He gives them exactly what they need, at the right time, exactly what is best for them. He knows me. He is my Sheppard and I am of his flock. That is all I need to know. All of this heartache, tears, emptiness; really I can not find a word to describe how much I love my son and wish he were here. But the amazing thing is Our God already knows that!

Psalm 23- Familiar but Oh so comforting!
" The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever."

Amen!!!

Pictures

2011-11-03T13:26:00.002-04:00

We finally got Ella's two year pictures done! Ella and Ethan did amazing!!! I brought Ethan along so I could get some brother and sister shots (those are hidden until Christmas card time). Ethan wanted to get in on some single shots. He is so silly, I just love him to pieces. Ella did great listening to the photographer and posing. I love getting our pictures done what great memories.

At Ella's two year check up,which was also over a month behind, she weighed in at 24lbs 3oz (11th percentile) and was 35 1/2 inches tall (85th percentile). She is growing up so fast!

Pregnancy Care Center Niles Banquet

2011-11-02T21:33:00.003-04:00

I had a huge honor of being asked to share my testimony/story of carrying Elias at the Pregnancy Care Center Niles annual fundraiser banquet. These types of things I NEVER thought I would be able to do. However I am learning to never say never:) It was a huge blessing to be able to share how Elias' life mattered. The theme for the night was Every Life Mattered; how fitting. I was very nervous but once I started talking it just flowed. Its a story that only my heart can tell and I find that I am at ease sharing about my little guys life. I am so humbled that God choose ME to be his mommy. I continue to be in awe of how God is allowing me to grow and share through my sons life almost nine months later!

Marked

2011-11-02T20:28:00.001-04:00

It was hard for me to even find a title for this post. Final, Moments, Reality...Finally Elias' headstone has arrived. Moments that make my loss so real. Reality that I have a loss. So many feelings and emotions. I did find joy in seeing his headstone placed. I was nervous it would not arrive before the ground froze. I wanted so badly for his headstone to be there. It seemed like the least I could was have his "place" correctly marked. Its the mommy in me to want to take care of my child who is not here with me. Its hard because I know he is in the most majestic of places where this event is not a big deal but having his marker was a great feeling. A feeling like Elias was our child, he was here on Earth with us and he meant something. He left a mark on so many hearts and lives-we are forever changed!

Miss Ella

2011-11-01T14:21:00.005-04:00

Ella has begun to love to dress up. She loves purses, necklaces and SHOES! She also has a new love for pockets. She thinks she is so big that she can find her pockets and walks around with her hands in them all the time. She is lovable, silly, smiley girl!

Pumpkin Carving

2011-11-01T14:16:00.004-04:00

Last week we carved our pumpkins. This we started sharing the pumpkin gospel with our kids. Its a great children's story that tells of how we can have renewed life with God. How God transforms us into beautiful new creations to shine for Him. It made the evening purposeful by having a Christ centered focus. Ella loved cleaning out the pumpkin; while Ethan enjoyed painting is mini pumpkin.

First Tea Party

2011-11-01T14:08:00.003-04:00

Ella got her first tea set for her birthday this year. The kids have been playing with it but a few weeks ago we pretended to have a real tea party-with water. The kids thought it was so fun to drink the water out of the tea cups. Ethan was a willing participant. He liked the pretzels and drinking from the tea cup too:)!

Field Trip

2011-11-01T14:04:00.002-04:00

Ethan started preschool this Fall and we had his first field trip to Thistleberry Farms in South Bend. It was a beautiful day. We did a corn maze, jumped on the huge jumping pillow and picked pumpkins while on a hay ride. Ella was able to join in on the fun too! Ethan is loving school and looks forward to school days.

We love the zoo

2011-10-10T14:46:00.002-04:00

Our kids love seeing animals and visiting the zoo. We purchased a membership this year from the local zoo and have enjoyed going six or so times this summer. Last Friday was just a beautiful October day so Anitra and I decided to take the kids. We had a perfect summer like day. We rounded out our trip with a picnic and some playground time.

At the beginning of September Corey and I took the kids to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. I would highly recommend it. It was great! We got to feed the giraffe, watch the sea lions swim and saw lots of monkeys. As you notice in the pictures from the top collage; Ella is starting to take on Ethan's way of smiling...they are so silly!!!

Happy Birthday Ella!

2011-10-10T14:38:00.001-04:00

Our sweet little girl turned two! Its hard to believe that it has been two years since we welcomed this adorable girl into our family. On Ella's birthday we tried to make her day as special as possible. She had balloons when she woke up and a banner for her day. One year ago on her first birthday we found out about Elias' condition. The week leading up to diagnosis day and her birthday was extremely hard. It was like we were reliving those moments and days all over again. There were a lot of tears and deep heartache felt. However there was some restoration that happened over these days. I had to let go of some grief I had been holding on to. Let go and allow God to show me His love and mercy over me and this valley. I believe that through the valley the Lord continues to refine my heart and mind so that I am eternally focused instead of the things of this Earth.

Ella is talking SO much. She loves taking care of her baby dolls and her new loving family dollhouse she got for her birthday. Ella also enjoys reading books, cooking in her play kitchen and cars with her big brother. Ella's hair has finally started growing a little and we have enough for two little pigtails (pictures of first pigtails above). Ella still loves to be rocked and held when not playing, she loves her snuggle time. We are so blessed by her!

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. " Psalm 62:8

Time

2011-09-14T13:32:00.007-04:00

Summer is ending and we begin a new season. I love the Fall season; leaves changing colors and falling, fires, warm food, football, windows open. Time is a funny thing. I have continually been encouraged by God's promises over the last several months that He alone brings healing. Just as He promises in Psalms 23, He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside still waters, He restores my soul! My only goal since finding out about Elias condition was that I wanted God's Holy name to be glorified. I wanted to hold on to His promises and allow God to be the one directing our way. He has been carrying me, and continues to carry me as I hold on to His promises and allow God to be the one directing our way. He is leading me through His word on a journey of grief and sorrow that only He can bring me through.

I enjoy blogging, I love reading others blog. So many blogs have brought me so much encouragement and inspiration that I might have missed if it was not for the blogging world. Because of other life events I am feeling that blogging should not be on the top of my priority list. Its been nice to share where I am at and how I am feeling so that people who I see and talk to regularly know where I am. I love sharing about my kids and how they are growing or what our family has been up to. Really that is the reason I started our blog is to share about our families happenings way before we even thought of Ella or Elias. It was a way to share with friends that have moved and family who was not close by. I felt like I needed to share where I am at with this blogging stuff. Hoping anyone who might still be reading will understand.

Today is the 18th of the month, 7 months without our sweet sweet baby. Good has come but the best will be when I hold him again.

Everything Has Its Time

"To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born

and a time to die;

A time to plant,

and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill,

And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I will leave you with this song because I hope all of you have made the same choice. Trust in Jesus!!!

17 hours and 4 minutes

2011-08-23T14:09:00.004-04:00

Those hours that Elias was here with us on earth was a magnificent moment in my life I will never forget. Those hours, his life have laid something on my heart that can never be erased. I had a great opportunity to go away this last weekend with my closest girlfriends to a Woman of Faith conference. Right after Elias passed away I found out that Angie Smith was going to be speaking and I HAD to go. Angie's blog and book have been a huge encouragement to my walk, you can read about her story here.

This weekend was awesome and brought so much light and inspiration to a heart that was being torn and broken by grief. This summer as I have been learning to walk the journey of grief I knew there was something grand on the other side but I needed to walk through the grief first. As I tried to ignore my feelings of sadness and emptiness I soon learned that those coping mechanisms would not work. So I took the first step and shared what was really on my heart with my hubby and two close friends a few weeks ago. I had been praying that God would help me resolve those issues but knew I must physically speak those words to help the healing begin. As I took that step I knew that God was preparing my soul for healing and restoration. I never could of imagined the dreams and goals He would lay on my heart. Who knew that 17 hours and 4 minutes of an earthly life would make such a statement felt and heard across so many lives! I am not sure where those dreams and goals will take me but I do know that I am allowing my Heavenly Father to be the one leading me down the path!!!

"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift up my soul to You." Psalm 143:8

6 months

2011-08-18T10:18:00.002-04:00

It has been six months since I held this little hand.

Six months of sadness.

Six months of tears.

Six months of discoveries.

Six months of missing my sweet little boy.

Six months of wondering what was next.

Six months of emotions.

Six months of empty arms.

Six months of an empty heart.

Six months of missing milestones.

Six months of getting stronger.

Six months of my faith being tested at times.

Six months of learning how to share my heart.

Six months of learning to let go and pray.

Six months of hope.

Six months of never forgetting.

Missing Elias in my arms today. I hurt because he is gone but I rejoice because he was here.

"Weep Not. Pray to God with all your heart. To pray often is almost to conquer." ~Gustavus

Busy and Growing

2011-08-10T14:55:00.001-04:00

There has been so much going on the last month. I can not believe that it has been this long since I have written.

First I have been potty training Miss Ella since the week after the 4th of July and it just clicked with her last week. Whew!!! Glad I did not give up like I had wanted to do. We are still working on it but I think she pretty much has it. We had tried in May because she had shown some interest but it was disastrous after the first week so I decided to wait a few more weeks. Now no diapers in our house except at nighttime, kind of weird. I have been changing diapers for almost the last four years. On to new adventures!

Second we had family in town the last week of July. It is always great to see my uncle, aunt and all the cousins. We always have a great time together; eating, laughing, shopping. Its a fun filled week and always sad to see them go back home to Missouri.

Thirdly we have been just plan busy with other summer stuff from birthday parties, showers, working, and a huge landscape project. Back in June we decided to do some landscaping around house so that we could also do a memorial area for Elias. We had been given some gift certificates to buy plants in his memory. We have finally got the 20 ton of rock moved around the entire house, concrete borders put in and plants on the sides and back of the house. We just need to purchase plants for the front. Elias memorial area will be in the front of our house as you walk in by the sidewalk. I am so excited to be planting in memory of him, to see something grow. I will have to post some pictures when we are done. Hopefully that will be before winter:):)

Fourthly...I think it has scared me to write whats been going on in my life and heart. Struggling to navigate my way of a new normal. Understanding how our sweet child is in Heaven and not with us. I know that this was God's plan for our family and I am completely truthful in saying that I do not question God's will for his life. We have been blessed abundantly with many different forms of blessings that have come from carrying and losing our sweet Elias. However I would give it all back to have that sweet boy in my arms. To have the child I am longing be him, not any other. I know that I am becoming stronger in my convictions and purpose of my life through this last struggle of understanding. I continue to seek God's wisdom and direction that only He can provide. Elias has been called home by the one that loved him most. I hold on to that hope. I am at a turning point in my grief and I refuse to let Satan get the best of me. Praying my life is one that is reflective of his love, mercy and grace.

"And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." Psalm 39:7

Forever Framed

2011-07-06T21:30:00.006-04:00

Above are five of our favorite pictures that Eileen from Traditions Photography took for us. She did an amazing job. Every time I look at these photos I am so thankful for her and willingness to take pictures for a woman she did not know. I think Eileen and I are bonded together for sharing those moments during pregnancy and labor and delivery together.
Our house is not very big so the wall we had to work with is very small but it worked out perfect. The frame is in the perfect place, you can see it from the dinning room and living room but its not the focal point. Someday I will have a little nook that is dedicated to him. It will have a big comfy rocking chair (like a mother should for their child) for praying, reading, quiet time or whatever your heart desires. It will have this picture on the wall with a few shelves displaying so many things I wish I had room for now. Also some sort of anitquish chest to put everything that belongs to Elias. Sounds awesome:)! Just a little day dream in there:)

Corey and I talked lots about what to do with the pictures. I put together a photo album of 300 pictures, there were over 700! We decided on getting a special frame from Eileen to display in our house. I wanted something special and unique for him. Corey and I picked out our pictures and what we liked for framing. Once our pictures were in we needed to go in and decide for sure. I had let Eileen know what our budget was and she said she could work with it. Well I knew what I picked out we could not afford but with Eileen knowing what our budget was she would figure something out. Well when I went in to the store to pick out our frame I found out that some very very dear friends of ours helped to cover the cost of what we picked out. I was amazed, humbled and teary eyed. This frame for Elias is probably one of the most expensive things I own. It is so beautiful. I love being able to look over and see his beauty. Instantly remembering how sweet his life was and how deeply affected I have been by such a tiny life. Remembering that every life matters. Having yet to question God's will for Elias' life. Seeing his picture in our house reminds my kids of a brother they will never know until one glorious day when we are all together again. Reminding me of a child that went to the One that loves him more then I ever could. Knowing that we made the right choice to carry our sweet baby until he was ready to meet us. Reminding me that Elias will never be forgotten. He is forever framed in my memory, heart and life. Missing you sweet child of mine.

Where I am at

2011-07-01T22:20:00.005-04:00

The last week or so has been very emotional. I have been unable to express to any one person just how I am feeling. It seems I am just trying to figure out how to move on. How to move on to our life without our son. I want so easily to talk about Elias and share his life with others but usually I find myself in tears. Knowing that the tears come when I talk about him I don't. There have been at least three times when asked how many children I have and the door has been left open for me to be specific but I have not walked through. It seems I have been unable to speak the words. The hurt is to real to simply say that we lost our son in February, so I leave it with Ethan and Ella. I feel guilty about not telling people that we have a third child. Guilty because he is my baby and nothing about that will ever change. Guilty because it feels like I have done him an injustice. Guilty because I wish I had the courage. I have heard so many other moms struggle with this same simple issue, I never knew it would be so hard. I do not want people to feel sorry for me or feel like they have brought up something they should not have.

I am trying to navigate through this walk of grief in what sometimes feels like I am alone. I read lots of blogs and books and find myself easily relating to them. However, days and weeks when the overwhelming feeling that everyone has moved on but me is heart wrenching.

I am at a place where I am wondering what is next. It seems we spent the last year in a whirlwind that there has to be something else coming but there is not. There are some speaking and ministry opportunities coming my way that I am really seeking where God can best use His story.

There is nothing that can fill the hole in my heart that was put there by Elias. There is no amount of time that will make me love him or miss him less.

Its always coming

2011-06-18T20:32:00.006-04:00

There are certain days that can bring my grief, my sadness, my heartache right up to the surface where it feels like Elias was just here yesterday. There is an 18th in every month which reminds me of the day he was born. There is always a Friday in every week which I can remember the day he was with us like it is today. There are songs, scriptures, places and pictures that I can see or hear everyday but then there are times when those things take my breath and my words away. They take me to a place where I am holding my sweet baby and having to let go. I am so overcome with tears and sadness. No matter how "good" I think I am doing and how time is starting to heal my wound it is easily ripped right open to start all over again. Elias has a part of my heart just like any child does with their mother. He was a part of me, from me and Corey. Its seems too complex to even comprehend sometimes. I continue to hope in the Lord, to hold onto to his promises and his faithfulness.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. " 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

4 months

2011-06-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

My sweet baby boy would have been 4 months old today!!!

I would of been looking forward to his check up to see how much he had grown, he would be working on sitting up, getting into more of a schedule, smiling and starting to babble. I am incredibly heartbroken because he is not here. I wanted to take him to his four month check up. I wanted to be the one to nurture and love him. I did not want to say goodbye that soon. It seems its hard to find the words today. I am speechless with heartache. My God choose me to be his mommy, something I do not regret. God choose my family to walk this journey, something I sometimes wish was not me. I choose to let my God hold my hand through this entire journey, just when I was twisting and turning for Him to loosen His grip, he held tighter. My only hope is that through this devastation to me that someone could see my hope and faith. I am not sure when I am really going to ever get over losing Elias but I think I am managing to keep going. I focus a lot on what we as a family have going on-down to the five loads of laundry I did today. Its the little things that keep me going.

I am constantly thinking about babies and if we are going to have more or not. Sometimes I let the thought consume me. I feel so sad to think I would never experience a baby turning and kicking in my belly, that I would never hold a sweet newborn baby of my own again. I worry that Ethan and Ella would not remain close throughout life and it is only the two of them. However there are so many moments that cup is so fully and completely blessed with the three children that the Lord has already given me, why change that? I am not sure what God has in store for us but He knows and as I let my thoughts of worry or sadness fill my mind I return to the One who has made me. Who knows how many hairs are on my head, who knitted me perfectly in my mothers womb, who has lead me to a life of redemption!

June 13th 2010

2011-06-13T07:07:00.003-04:00

One year ago today we found out we were expecting another baby.
I struggle to type these words because it seems so unreal that it was a year ago.
I feel so guilty because I knew how I felt when I saw the test go positive. If I only knew that day what was to come. I was in disbelief, shocked and unexpected. I think I took about five more test in the days to come. I was not ready to have another baby. I still had a baby, really two:) But like my friend said, God knew what he was doing a year ago. It was a busy Sunday the day I took the test. I remember Corey saying you are wasting your time and money, there is no way. I took the test because I was just not feeling "right". I had never really been sick with my two other pregnancies and was not sick but something just felt off. Well obviously there was a way. Reality was becoming clear that YES I WAS PREGNANT. We waited a few days to tell a couple of close friends. I needed their prayer and support that I could be a mommy of three under three. I was not sure I had it in me. As I was being encouraged by friends I decided to share with our family. I think everyone was surprised as we were. Over the next few weeks we just began to soak in what our new family might look like. Well looking back now we were so naive. We just expected to have a healthy baby and to be able to bring him home with us. What I thought this summer would be like with a new little one is nothing of that. Instead we are grieving our little sweet baby boy who never made it home with his earthly family but who is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father. I was seriously worked up over having another child. I feel guilty today because I can not even imagine having those thoughts again. Taking for granted a healthy baby. Being so selfish worrying about me and not what a blessing this child was and is. I feel guilty because I can not believe I felt that way. We had somewhat struggled to get pregnant with Ethan, trying for over two years. I knew how sad I felt when others became pregnant so easily and here I am easily pregnant with baby number three allowing myself to feel pity for me. Well God had big things to teach me through this new little one. If only I had known on that day and weeks following that positive pregnancy test what I knew today the negative feelings I had over precious life would never have been. But you know? That is part of my story with Elias. Before I even knew that he would never make it home to live with us, for me to care for him, raise him God was pulling me closer to Him for what was in store in the months ahead.

"Blessed be the Lord, Because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." Psalm 28:6-7

Beauty of the Cross

2011-06-10T14:28:00.007-04:00

I am in love with this song. No matter what I need to let go of; my previous life, my grief, my bitterness towards people, my entire sin nature He finds grace in me just as I am. He found it fit to suffer, to bleed, to hurt for me. I am so unworthy and all I can do is praise Him and live for Him with my entire being. And no matter where I am in my life, letting go of whatever it is, he comes right next to me to walk, to cry, to hold my hand through. It is true beauty.

Okay

2011-06-09T08:36:00.006-04:00

We are here chugging along. I have been sleeping better the last two or so weeks which is awesome. I have been able to get into that deep sleep almost every night. Huge answer to prayer. I think I am a much happier mom, wife and friend:)

Last weekend I spent the weekend with my two older sisters and mom for a girls weekend. We do not celebrate birthdays anymore so we try to do a fun day/weekend throughout the year. I love this idea. We went to Pokagon State Park in Angola. We frequented this place growing up and we had so many memories going back. We shopped all day Friday, for like 7 1/2 hours straight! Relaxed in the hot tub Friday night. Saturday morning we woke up and went for a morning run, came back for breakfast and then enjoyed a nice long hike. After our hike we came back and relaxed a little before heading out to paddle boat. We came back to our room, showered and relaxed for a couple of hours. We played some euchre, read and just relaxed. We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and then came back and scrap booked. I finished Ella's scrapbook up until she was a year old! It was a nice relaxing time. I am so thankful for Corey willing to let me go and hang out with our kids.

I got awesome news yesterday morning about Elias' memorial money that was giving to our church's children's ministry department. We found out that with this money our church has already begun to purchase and put in place a new security system for our kids. I am super excited about this. Knowing our kids will be safe and parents can feel at peace leaving their kids in our children's ministry. My heart melted all day yesterday thinking about how my sweet little son will impact a whole lot of kids and families. I miss Elias, I think of him often. But I am okay. I am okay with Elias dancing in Heaven. In reality its a much better life then I could of ever have imagined for my little boy. In Heaven with the one that loves him most, made perfect, made whole! Grief is a funny thing. The last few weeks I have been doing "better" whatever that really means. Its getting easier to understand and comprehend that my son died but there are these moments when the heartache and sadness seem to overtake. Sometimes it last a few minuets or hours but joy and peace fill the ache. We are walking up this valley with the good Lord on our side.

"For You have delivered my soul from death. Have You not kept my feet from falling. That I may walk before God in the light of the living?" Psalm 56:13

Uninformed

2011-06-01T01:45:00.002-04:00

Before finding out about Elias' diagnosis I was so uninformed. I had actually read Angie Smith's blog while pregnant with Ethan and remember crying, well actually sobbing, while reading her post. I was pregnant with a beautiful healthy little boy and she was walking down the path of carrying her sweet Audrey. It did not seem fair. The day we found out about Elias her blog was one of the first places I sought out for comfort. Even though our children carried different conditions, we both lost our babies too soon. She knew how I was feeling, she had carried her baby unlike the doctors recommended. Throughout my pregnancy I found lots of baby loss mama's blogs and would read for hours. I now only follow a few because I can become wrapped up in reading for a whole evening if I let myself:) Anyways, I learn of babies weekly, sometimes daily, who are with us for only a short time because of fatal conditions. Before Elias came into my life, I had no idea there were so many woman who have walked this journey of losing an infant. That sounds so naive and yes I knew that infant loss existed but not on the level I do today. There are so many moms walking the road of carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis that they will only be able to hold for a short time. My heart is broken for them. I know how they feel. I wish I could take the pain away for them. I wish I could make their road, their story take a turn for the better. Those are my wishes, my hopes, my pain, my heartache, my selfishness. However there is someone already navigating their story, their is already a driver. We are only along for the ride. What will we make of it? My prayer for each of these woman and myself is that we would allow our Heavenly Father to be our driver, be our shield, our protector, our light when all we can see is darkness.

"For You are my lamp, O Lord; The Lord shall enlighten my darkness." 2 Samuel 22:29

This last Saturday Corey and I celebrated 7 years of marriage! It seems like just yesterday we were getting married. We have grown so much in the last 10 years, its crazy how time flies. Sunday we enjoyed dinner out and got our grocery shopping done. I only shop twice a month and it is a task. We are up to two carts and it is nice to have someone to help me. Its off the list at least for another few weeks:) Monday we headed to the zoo, enjoyed a picnic lunch and visited the cemetery. Elias was in need of some new flowers. The white silk flowers were worn but I was really surprised at how long they actually lasted. We placed sweet baby blue flowers, which I love. The cemetery looked beautiful, there were so many flowers. Memorial Day weekend is like "opening" day so there were lots of people out cleaning up, putting out new flowers and flags. Its my story, its my families story of visiting the cemetery frequently. I was a little bit older but I remember visits to the cemetery with my Mom and as I got older to visit my Dad, its a part of life. My kids love to go and it always brings up sweet, loving, heavenly conversation which I do not believe would happen if Elias were not there. I am reminded of a verse in Isaiah that was shared with me after Elias had passed. "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days..." Isaiah 65:20 He was so small, so sweet and it was too soon but am joyful at what eternity has in store!

P.S. In August a few girlfriends and I are headed to Indy to see Angie and some other amazing women at a Woman of Faith conference. I am so excited, we have floor seats! I am looking forward to seeing her in person and hear from her what God has been doing in her life.

Wednesday

2011-05-25T20:36:00.005-04:00

Today we met with the doctor concerning the pathology report that indicated a balanced trans location of chromosomes. I have a better understanding of what the report meant and I have a deeper meaning that it all does not matter anyway. God is ultimately in control in my world and genetics really don't matter. Our docs assistant called us back this afternoon and our insurance would cover the needed lab work to find out for sure if we are carriers of this trans location. With a balanced trans location people can be healthy and have no known issues. However some peoples bodies can not recognize the trans location which would result in a miscarriage. Our doc explained it like this; our 46 chromosomes are like a novel, 46 chapters and someone with a balanced trans locations novel might read 1,2,3,5,6,4,7,8,11,13,9... where someone without this would read in numerical order. As long as all the pieces are there most cells can figure it out but like I said if not this would result in a miscarriage. Now all of this was very interesting but it still does not matter. First God is in control. He provides the strength, hope, love and mercy for my life. Second,my sweet son is still not here with us. All the test, reasons or no reasons, he is gone to be with Jesus. We are trying to finalize his headstone; what will it say? will it ever be just right? As I was researching and finding all these sweet stones, I overcame with emotion. There is something that just does not feel right, we should not be looking up stones for our son. I had to stop. Another day. I know I have to do this, this is one thing I want done as soon as we finish paying for it. But not today. I learned of a family in Kansas that had their daughter last Monday who was born with anencephaly. She just passed away last night. 8 days! Most anencephalic babies do not even get the opportunity for one minute because parents choose to terminate their pregnancies. 8 days. My heart breaks for this family. My heart breaks for all families who have to say goodbye before they even begin to say hello. My heat breaks for my family. Our journey has not ended, our lives are still being transformed though this one sweet little life.

"But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation." Psalm 13:5

Life Walk

2011-05-24T22:10:00.004-04:00

Saturday June 18th Corey, the kids and I are walking in the Life Walk. We believe that life is a gift from the Lord, creator of everything. I have a better understanding of what a special gift a child can be. How perfectly knitted each child is because of my Elias. He was truly a gift to my heart, my family and friends. I hope that others can see that choosing life can enrich their hearts and minds more then they could have every imagined.

Please consider donating to our family to benefit Niles Pregnancy Care Center. Thank You!

http://www.ministrysync.com/event/website/?m=701447

More Blessings

2011-05-24T20:48:00.001-04:00

Corey and I are humbled frequently in how people have reached out to our family. This last week we received a check in the mail with no return address or signature on the letter. It simply said they knew we could use the money in lots of different ways and they were praying for us. It brings tears to my eyes as I type. This is something that we never thought could happen. But once again God has humbled me to show me how big He is. We are so Blessed, really. And to this person or family or whoever it might be I am hoping you might be a reader-THANK YOU! We are so close to paying off Elias' headstone-amazing!

Here are the lyrics to Laura Story's song "Blessings". Its the last song on my play list on the bottom of the page. This song seems to fit my life in so many ways.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family
Protection while we sleep

We pray for healing
For prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand
to ease our suffering

And all the while
You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness
We doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
Lord, that we’d have faith to believe

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know you’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain
The storms
The hardest nights
are your mercies in disguise

Lets See

2011-05-24T19:16:00.000-04:00

I am not even sure where to begin. Life is happening at a high rate of speed.

For about the last four weeks I have been waitressing at a small mom and pop restaurant called Pasquale Rullis. I worked there for about five years before I had Ethan and have helped out here and there since. They are a great family to work for and with, I feel like a part of the family. I was going to be only working every Thursday for five or so hours. Well they have needed some extra help and I have been working two or three days a week. Its been a little adjustment for me. Corey and I talked and prayed about me doing some sort of little job. The extra money is always nice and I felt like I needed to do something. However going back to "work" has been a little harder. Its not many hours but I have been with my kids at home for the last three and half years and now not being with them all the time has been a change. I think the kids are loving the extra time with Dad. After this week I am back to only Thursdays. Our June calendar is filling up and I really will not be able to pick up extra days.

Other then working we are doing life. We celebrated some birthdays on Saturday and watched some friends kids in the evening so they could go on a date. It has been busy but good. My mind does not get easily distracted or wonder when we are busy. I feel like I am just going through the motions this last week. This last week marked 3 months since our sweet Elias was with us. Has it been that long since I last kissed his sweet cheeks? Tomorrow we meet with the genetics doctor. Praying we have a better understanding of everything.

Happy Sad

2011-05-16T21:00:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was a sad day. Today was a happy one. Its amazing how this roller coaster is so crazy.

I still did not sleep very well last night but woke up ready for a fun day with the kids. We started at the doctors office because Ella has a little eye blockage. She has had a blocked tear duct since she was born and we just saw an optometrist last week where he suggested do a quick, easy surgery to open the duct. She has to go under anesthesia, it just seem like a lot. Corey and I are going to wait a few weeks and see how we feel after that about it. We got more eye drops today and hoping her eye will look better tomorrow. After the doctor we headed home to pack a quick lunch, grab a stroller and head to the zoo for an impromptu zoo and picnic outing with our friends. It was a beautiful sunny day, a little breezy, but great for a stroll in the zoo. The kids had a blast, loved having a picnic and playing on the playground. We rounded out our afternoon with naps. We grilled out for dinner and enjoyed Dairy Queen for dessert. We stopped by the cemetery on our way to DQ and lately every time I think of Elias my arms physically feel heavy. I can feel him in my arms. The cemetery looks beautiful with lots of flowers, mowed green grass, spring has arrived.

Last week we had an appointment with our delivery doctor regarding a tissue report they had done on the cord and the results. The results were a surprise when we found out a few weeks ago. The pathology report showed chromosomal abnormalities on three chromosomes. These abnormalities had nothing to do with his anencephaly. Our doctor recommended genetic counseling or pulling of Corey and my chromosomes to see which one of us could be a carrier. However there is a chance that we are perfect. The doctor said she was very discouraged and shocked to get this report. Us having two healthy children and no known genetic disorders. We will meet with a genetic counselor next Wednesday for a consultation. I am really trying to process all of this. I ultimately know that God is going to give me the grace, strength and hope to get through whatever lies ahead. Corey and I are constantly in discussion and prayer about more kids and what that might be for us. If we decide that we are feeling lead to have more kids, we will try to have more kids. I know that deep in my heart I do not want another anencephalic baby or any other defect, I want a healthy child but that might not be in my story. God might not choose to bless us with more children either, even if we think we are being lead to have more children. My biggest prayer is to not let genetics get in the way. We may decide to only meet with the genetics and not follow through with any blood work. We do have some questions that our doctor felt that the genetics would be better to answer. God knows my genetics, He knows my past and my future, He is the creator. How awesome that I can give these burdens to Him and He has and will carry them! I have been having to lay down my heart, my sins, my worry, my anxiousness daily but I give them to Him. I can not do this alone.

"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me." Luke 9:23

Kleenax and a Candle

2011-05-15T21:03:00.007-04:00

My emotions are going crazy. I am not sleeping well, not feeling well. I am sad. I am overwhelmed with loss and pain. Its hard for me to see close friends and not cry. My heart is crying and I can not hide it.

I think with time things will get easier but it seems right now that it is getting a little harder. But I think that is how grief works. The loss of my son will never be easy or without heartache but healing and restoration will cover my wound. Its hard for me to even verbalize how my heart is so heavy with tears that all I can do is cry them out. I am thankful for my "Kleenex and candle" friends. No words even need to be spoken with these friends. I can just lay my head on their shoulder and weep. They offer me the encouragement and love I need. I am forever grateful for these friends.

"We all need Kleenex and candle friends when we suffer loss. Compassionate companions who give us permission to cry and offer a Kleenex or their tears. When the darkness of discouragement comes they encircle us. Our heroes of hope light the way to brighter tomorrows and to the One who is truth and our eternal encouragement. And at the right season, we can pass on what we have received to others...a Kleenex and a candle. "~Kathe Wunnenberg

Even when I think no one understands my pain, my heartache, my sadness, my loss, my crazy emotions there is One that does. I am not alone. God is here with me. He understand my pain and suffering. He knows what I am thinking and feeling before I ever say a word.

"Blessed are those who mourn. For they shall be comforted."Matthew 5:4

"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance and perseverance, character and character, hope."Romans 5:3-4

20 years

2011-05-11T21:16:00.000-04:00

Today has been 20 years since my dad passed away. 20 years...has been that long?

I so badly wish he was here with us.

I wish I could of known him more.

I wish I knew all of his favorites: movie, song, book, drink, food. What he thought about what our world is going through. War, economy, unemployment. Give me advice on our yard, house, just plain old life. I wish our children could meet him.

I remember my dad- the fisherman, the worker, the authority,the tickler, story teller. Despite not knowing him on an adult level being only 8 when he passed away. I know him as my Dad, as a little girl should. Sitting on his lap, his beard and his love for his family.

We miss you deeply!!!

Baby Dedication

2011-05-07T14:09:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is another holiday, another day without my precious baby. Kids are singing at church and this will be the first time Ethan will be singing. He has not been so hip on practicing but we are really trying to encourage him. We shall see how it goes. It is also baby dedication at our church. This past Sunday our children's ministry director asked if we would like to have Elias be part of dedication. Once again I felt so humbled by being able to share my Elias in this way. She felt like we were a true picture of giving your child to the Lord and how great to start the service off by sharing Elias. It stings, it hurts, it causes tears. Despite being so appreciative of being able to have Elias be a part of what he should of been a part of if he was here with us. It also is a deep reminder that he is not. He is in heaven, He is made whole, He is in the perfect place. The emptiness that has been left here in my earthly heart is what seems unbearable at times. Walking this valley, experiencing these holidays, what would have been events; is leading me to restoration and healing. Understanding that Elias is exactly where he should be.

Here is the verse and picture we picked for dedication. We used this same verse in his obituary. Perfect verse and great reminder that God knows everything and has every detail in His hand.

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed And in Your book they all were written. The days fashioned for me. When as yet there were none of them."

Psalm 139:13-16

For Real?

2011-05-05T13:28:00.002-04:00

Its amazing how the reality that we lost our sweet son just a mere 11 weeks ago can come raging up without any notice. Today it happened. I knew we were going to visit the cemetery today, I know I always cry but today was different. I missed last week because as I prepared for the spring tea talk and everything else going on I was not able to get there. Today my arms ache in a way I have never felt. Today I relive the few hours right before he passed.

I could not decide what I wanted for dinner from the hospital. As I contemplated my sisters, mom, Corey and I decided to order out. I decided Rulli's sounded excellent, what comfort food. As we ate dinner we just enjoyed the company of Elias in our arms. He had been so peaceful all day long; eyes shut, no cries, not really any movement. The only time he really moved was when we tried to put a new hat on him and when bathing him. As night entered I kept thinking how I thought I never would have had this much time with our son. It had been such a peaceful day. We were planning on taking him home the following day if he was still with us. I think I was a little naive or not really allowing myself to know that he would soon be gone. I just kept loving him and holding him as if he were to never leave us. My sisters and mom were going to head home, it had been a long day and an early morning. As I went to go wash my face, brush my teeth, try to get cleaned up there started to be a change in Elias. His left eye had started to open just a little bit but still no movement or cries. At that moment I could feel my heart starting to break. I took him from my sister who had been holding him and just started to rock him and hold him tight. My mom and sisters left the room. The nurse had checked his heart rate at around 9:15 and it was 93. It had been in the 120's all day and we knew it would soon be time for him to be in Jesus' arms. As I held Elias with Corey right by my side. We just prayed and sang. Around 10:15 Elias started to have little spasms. I just held him a little tighter, cried a little more, prayed harder that these seizures/spasms were causing no suffering, sang a little louder. His left eye was still opened. During this hour Elias only had maybe six or so seizures, can not remember for sure. But what I do remember for sure is holding his perfect little body in my arms, trying to make it easier or better for him. Around 11:10 ish the nurse checked his heart rate again and it was down to 43. We continued to pray, sing and adore him. Around 11:25 Elias' had another seizure but this seizure ended with a smile. A real smile from a sweet little boy who had shown no other facial expressions throughout the day. At that moment Corey and I knew he had run into Jesus arms, that he was made whole, made perfect. We called the nurse and she confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. A second nurse came in and listened, there was no heartbeat. I held him in my arms all night. One thing I have always enjoyed with my little newborn babies is to nap with them. Well during the day when Elias was with us I did not have the chance to nap with him but I did now. We made phone calls, said goodbye to my sisters and mom and settled in for the night. I held him, rested well with him in my arms. My journey had not ended as Elias passed but it some sense it was just the beginning.

I am Here

2011-05-02T13:40:00.003-04:00

I have been wanting to blog for a couple of days now but life seems to have overtaken for the moment...

I had been asked to speak and share my journey with Elias at our spring tea woman's event at our church. This last week I spent time rehearsing and putting the final pieces together. I was starting to get nervous at the start of last week but as the week went on and I practiced; God just gave me the strength to share my story. It did not have to be the greatest message ever preached or be a some sort of earth shattering teaching. It was the story God had given me and carried me through. I was just he medium in which God's love, hope and redemption was shown. The morning was a great event and I was able to talk slowly and allow Gods words to flow through me. It was actually really fun sharing Elias with a lot of people who may not of known him before. Sharing my sweet child and how he has transformed my life in so many ways. Challenging other woman in their own walk with God. What a great day! What an amazing blessing!

Speaking of Blessings. Corey and I have and continue to be so blessed throughout this journey. Its amazing that when are least expecting, most needing God works out all the details. We have been trying to figure out how we were going to pay for Elias' headstone. With all the medical bills, car repairs, funeral expenses and just plain old life there has not been much left for what we were hoping to use for his headstone. We got a call last week from the funeral home letting us know that cost were going up on May 1st and that if we could try to get an order placed so we could lock in a lower price. Corey and I had already been talking about this trying to figure out a way to get one ordered. I want so badly for Elias to have the proper marking. We are never going to get to pay for new toys, clothes, books, food, cars, college, wedding for him, it seems like this is the least we can do to show him our love. So one day last week Corey and I decided on a headstone and Corey went to place an order. To lock in the price you only had to have 10%down, to have it made you have to have half paid for and for them to place it has to be paid in full. Well the reality is that we could not pay in full and we would make payments until it was. I was so sad thinking it could be months before this would be paid for and placed for Elias. How terrible that we his parents could not provide this right now for him. However our Heavenly Father provides exactly what we need. The following day at the spring tea I learned that the money from ticket sales would be donated to our family. My eyes fill with tears as I share this with you. I am not sure if it will cover the headstone or not but it will probably get us pretty close. Just as I worried, doubted, and felt self pity the Lord has blessed me. I am so unworthy, I was not thinking even closely that God would provide this money for us but He has. Why do I doubt? He knows us, He knows our needs down to every last detail.

Easter

2011-05-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

Good Friday we spent at my sister Amy's coloring Easter eggs. Ethan had fun coloring the eggs, Ella was not so into it. We still had a two dozen eggs left and the kids were done. So my sisters, mom and I sat and finished. It was a great time for the kids to play with their cousins and hang out with the family.

Easter morning I had a very little basket for the kids knowing that both Grandma's were giving them baskets and my neighbor left some treats in our yard. My mother-in-law made Ella's dress, isn't it adorable? I did not get a very good picture of them together but at least there was an effort. Ethan has been taking pictures with his eyes closed silly boy-memories in the making!

Easter afternoon we went Corey's folks house. My mother-in-law also made all the other girls dresses out of the same fabric. Ella was not so into getting her picture taken but there they are; all the grand kids:)

Poem

2011-04-25T20:59:00.003-04:00

We received this poem with a donation to Elias memorial fund at church. Beautiful are the only words I have!

I'm just a little baby,
Who could not stay with you there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't fret about me Daddy and Mommy,
I'm with of all God's blessed.
I'd have loved to stay there with you,
But our Heavenly Father knows what's best.

Some things I'd to say,
bur first of all please know,
please do not worry, that I arrived here Okay.

I am up in Heaven, where I dwell with God above,
No pain, tears, or sadness, just eternal love.
When my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hug me and said I welcome you.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of site,
Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.
I wish you could see my magical set of wings.
Exquisite soft white feathers made from all of God's loving things.

So when your feeling sad and blue and think I'm not right here.
Just look around at all the beautiful things and know I am near.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but was not in vain,
I have all of heaven's glory
suffering non of the world's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,
I'm thankful for all you've done.
I'll be waiting here for you
in heaven up above.

Thank you Mommy and Daddy for making me,
You made me out of love,
I can't wait for the day I see you again
So you can see what I've become.

Firsts

2011-04-24T21:43:00.005-04:00

Today we celebrated our risen Lord. We had an amazing service this morning at church. So humbled that He paid the price for me, for all of me. He paid it ALL. Dying on the cross allowed us freedom from our sin. I am reminded so much of what brought me to know Christ in a personal way. A freedom only He can offer.

My heart hurt today. My heart ached for my arms to hold a sweet little baby while praising our Risen Lord and saviour. I realized for the first time how this year of holidays and other days that remind me of Elias will be hard. Hard to not want him here with his family. Hard to not want him here to make memories. There were a ton of babies in service today. I loved watching and hearing there little voices. They bring a smile to my face but at the same time my heart is broken for the one precious boy I lost. They remind me of Elias, which I am actually very thankful for. Thankful I can see other babies grow and experience that newness, even if it is through anothers child. It helps fill a void that only a mother would feel to nurture and love her baby. He could be celebrating his first Easter with us, his family. Making his way through this first year of firsts. But today he celebrates first hand our Risen Lord!

Best Friends?

2011-04-21T21:05:00.003-04:00

Here are some new pictures of my precious kiddos. They have been playing more together which has been fun to watch. Despite Ella being the younger one she likes things her way. Ethan is pretty compliant and tries to comprise with her often. This "compromising" can lead to some arguing/fighting. We are learning to use our words, to share and love each other. It so much fun to see them interact and play. Ethan uses the silliest of faces when we are trying to capture pictures. Love them to pieces!

Another Week

2011-04-14T20:06:00.018-04:00

Elias would be 8 weeks old tomorrow. 8 weeks, where has the time gone?

We spent our week hanging out at home. We did some cleaning, organizing and lots of playing. Two weeks ago I decided that we were watching way too much TV during the day. It had become a convenient way for me to do what I felt like I needed to do and not interact with our kiddos. Prior to these weeks we tried to watch one show or program a day. Now we are not big movie people so it was usually something on PBS, which is somewhat educational:) Or at least that is what I tell myself. Since Elias was born we probably were watching three or four programs a day! Yikes! So we have turned the TV off and it has been great for me and the kids. Its like we reconnected. Our days consist of book reading, worship time, coloring, playdoh, painting, hide and seek, walks, swinging, imaginary play with our little people, trains, kitchen set or baby dolls. Turning off the TV has meant for more intentional parenting on my part. I have been reminded of why I am at home. Not to organize and clean but to raise our children to love and obey our Lord and Savior. God is teaching me so much about myself and my selfish ways and refocusing on Him, my husband and our children.

I am speaking at our woman's ministry event at the end of April. God laid an outline on my heart and I have been trying to fill in the pieces. I am not a public speaker by nature but I know that this is a God given opportunity. An opportunity to show how God has truly carried me through my journey of carrying Elias, how he has taught me and continues to teach me so much about myself. An opportunity to share and show God's love, hope, and grace. If you think of it will you pray that I share God's words and not my own?

Time continues to pass. I have been struggling with this. I am trying to hold onto the time like I have control. I don't want to forget. I don't want to stop hurting. I don't want days to go by where Elias is not thought of. I am scared as time goes on that he will be lost, forgotten. Elias has a part of my heart that will never belong to someone or something else but I am still afraid. But how could a mother forget losing her precious son?

He Maketh No Mistake

My Fathers's way may twist and turn

My heart may throb and ache

But in my soul I'm glad I know

He maketh no mistake

My cherished plans may go astray,

My hopes may fade away.

But still I'll trust my Lord to lead,

For he doth know the way.

Though night be dark and it may seem

that day will never break.

I'll pin my faith,my all in Him.

He maketh no mistake.

There's so much now I cannot see,

My eyesight's too far dim;

But come what may,I'll surely trust

And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift

And plain it all He'll make;

Through all the way, though dark to me,

He made not one mistake.

~A.M. Overton

The Necklaces I wear

2011-04-05T20:14:00.008-04:00

I have been given three special necklaces from very special people. I wear them everyday, all together. How could I ever choose which one to wear? They all tell my story perfectly.

The first necklace I received from one of my best friends Mary, had a poem with it called "No Tears in Heaven". The charm is a teardrop. Here is the poem:

There are no tears in Heaven, so I have left behind this single, little teardrop to lovingly remind though absent from the body, I'm present with the Lord; the joy of my salvation is now my full reward. And just as God has promised, He's wiped my tears away, and nothing can compare to the wonder of that day. So wear this in my memory, and know that up above there are no tears in Heaven instead there's only Love.

The second necklace I received was from my mother and sisters. It is a single teardrop with two rose quartz stones. Here is the saying that came with the necklace.

Rose quartz is a stone of unconditional love and emotional healing. It emanates unconditional love and nurturance, supporting us through our grieving. It is truly a balm for the spirit and the heart. The teardrop represents the tears that we must cry, the sorrow that we must release, in order to begin to heal from our loss. As a gift, this necklace tells our loved ones that we care about their sorrow and their grief, that we understand the need for tears, that we are here to hold them close and offer comfort.

The third necklace came from a dear friend from church, Kristen. It is a mothers necklace. A stone to represent each of my babies. Garnet for Ethan, born January 18th. Saphire for Ella, born September 21st. Amethyst for Elias, born February 18th. Even when I do not have the strength to tell someone I have three children; the necklace will represent each one when I can not.

I am so thankful for each of these. Don't they tell my story perfectly? Life is going on but the pain is still here. Can not wait to hold him again!

Not Much

2011-04-01T20:35:00.014-04:00

Not much going on here in the Barnes house. After starting the week on the "wrong" foot, the rest of the week seemed to go better. Tuesday we visited Elias, went to great grandma's house, took Corey out for lunch; and enjoyed some playtime outside. Wednesday my awesome mother in law came down to watch the kids so I could do some much needed errand running. Our last meal was Monday, so we desperately needed groceries and I needed some alone time. It was such a blessing to receive meals for over a month, but good to get back into the routine of life. Thursday we spent cleaning and playing outside. And today we ran a few errands, visited Elias, and played inside.

I am not sure if it was because we visited Elias twice this week or because Ethan is continuing to process all of this; but he had lots of questions today leaving the cemetery. He wondered why if Elias was not sick anymore why can he not come home? Why are all these other people here (as in other headstones)? Are they all in heaven? Will Elias always be here? Can we just take him home now? My heart breaks when Ethan gets confused. It does not seem permanent to him, but I continue to try to explain that if he decides to accept the Lord into his heart that he will go to heaven when he dies and will then see Elias not sick anymore. It breaks my heart that Ethan is going through all of this, but at the same time how awesome that because of losing my son, his brother he is wanting to know for sure how to meet Jesus and Elias again for sure. There is a HUGE blessing in that.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my ob office letting me know that more test results came back from the tissue sample they took, and there were some genetic issues. I spoke with a nurse and she could not really tell me what it all meant except that we should come in to talk to the doctor about the report. It was kind of a shock to get the phone call because at my post partum appointment it seemed that there was not conclusive evidence for Elias condition, but now that has changed. I was okay with not having a reason for Elias condition except that God choose us for Elias parents. Not that this has been taken out of Gods hands but it seems there might be a reason. Not sure how I feel or think about that. Corey and I are still praying to know God's will as to whether we will have more children or not. We have decided in the short term to wait and see what the Lord does in our hearts and lives. Knowing we have a higher chance of having another child with a birth defect or other issue will not influence our decision or at least that is my prayer. I pray that God will give us discernment and guidance in this area.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks and months pass we are reminded of our sweet Elias. From the phone call from the ob, a hard day or getting an invitation to a support group for moms who have lost their babies; it will never be the same. We love and miss you sweet Elias!

Today

2011-03-28T13:16:00.007-04:00

So many times I wish I could talk ,wish I could share, wish I could cry. Wish I could feel what I am walking through. Wishing I could understand. Its hard to think about Elias, that he was here and gone. Its hard to believe that we buried him and now we go to this place to remember him. There is a part of it that does not feel real, did this really happen to our son? That I gave birth to a little sweet boy without a portion of his head and loved him, feel in love with him. The hurt and pain can come pouring out, today is one of those days. In the last four weeks there have not been very many of these days. The first week after Elias passed was the hardest and each day got better. Today I just miss him, miss not having that sweet boy in my arms. Longing to hold him one more time, even though I know that would not be enough. Longing to give kisses to his sweet cheeks. Longing to be his mother, to be a mother to a baby that is alive.

A few days after we buried Elias I had a dream that he was healed. It was a perfect dream and I remember waking up smiling. I can remember his beauitfully completed head and a full head of hair. His hair was thick, longer than any of my other childrens hair and a little red. He was sitting in a bouncey. In my dream I remember our nurse showing up at our house to visit Elias and walking over to his bouncey expecting to show her a baby with anencephaly but his head was healed. He was this perfectly healed little boy. I often think of this dream when I think about Elias. Think about how perfect his body is now that he is in heaven. I am not usually a big dream person but this was a special dream. A dream to be able to mend my broken heart seeing Elias healed. Despite that he was not healed on this side of eternity, my heart still rests in knowing that this was Gods plan for our family, for me. Elias has changed me, changed everyone around us. How awesome and great is our God to use this little life to change so many. Praises to Him.

"Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. " Lamentations 3:32

March of Dimes

2011-03-26T21:55:00.002-04:00

My two special sisters are walking with March of Dimes in April in remembrance of Elias. What a great honor for me, Elias' mom, to have others in my life who he impacted so deeply to walk on his behalf. March of Dimes is a great organization! Please help them raise money for their walk! Thank You!!!

http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=3671677&ct=4&w=4683074&u=eliasbarnes

http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=3671313&ct=4&w=4682432&u=babyEliasBarnes

Long Week

2011-03-23T21:10:00.014-04:00

This week seems to be going by so slowly. Our week is filled with doctors appointments, play dates and a girls night, but time is moving so slowly. The last few weeks have flown by and now it has stopped. I like to be busy. I like to be busy and cross things off my list, but maybe God has something different in store? Is time slowing down so I can actually think or maybe feel? I just started going through a devotional about losing a child and the first few are about hide and seek. It hit my heart right on the mark. Kind of scary, but just what I needed and wanted. It talks about hiding your feelings so well that you may think others do not notice, but how long can you stash that silent heartache? God has been opening doors for me to share that heartache, and has been wanting me to step through them. As much as I really want to hide behind the door I have decided to step through. God calls us to obedient and I am choosing to obey.
There are so many moments that the heartache fills up inside of me and wants to cry out. However, those moments seem to come at inconvenient times. Like right before I am supposed to see someone whom I might not feel is the right person to be sobbing too. But maybe I am? Maybe this person needs to see the rawness of this journey, needs to see God's love. Despite the fact that I feel that I am being obedient to the doors God has opened, I also feel that I may be missing other areas of my life that He is trying to work on. What else do I need to let go of? I am not sure I have an answer tonight, but the Lord is continuing to strengthen and mature me. I turn to Him. I give it to Him. Whatever those areas are, I pray I am obedient and allow Him to mold me into the person He wants me to become.

Family Fun

2011-03-23T20:28:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all the sweet and generous families at our church we have enjoyed a month of meals. Our kids always love seeing what is for dessert:) Thanks to Cheryl our kiddos devoured the cupcakes. Ella loved getting her hands right into the icing! What a fun way to end dinner time.

Spring has yet to really arrive here in Michiana:( Despite the cold temperatures we still have bundled up and headed outside to enjoy some fresh air. The kids love being outside. We are hoping that spring gets here soon. Mom is tired of all the gloves, hats and coats:)!

1 month

2011-03-18T20:49:00.015-04:00

Can you believe that a whole month has passed since we celebrated the birth of Elias. The weeks are flying by. We are keeping ourselves busy. This week was full of appointments, doctor visits, and normal household duties. Lots I want to share tonight.

First, I had my post partum appointment this week. I had been looking forward to the appointment because the results of the placenta testing would be in. The doctor who delivered me sent it in for testing because it had some visual irregularities to it. However, there was nothing conclusive to why Elias developed anencephaly. I knew that most likely the testing would be inconclusive, but I think I was still hoping for some kind of answer. I went to the doctor by myself which after walking in to the office, I was not so sure I should have gone alone. I did not realize how many emotions of our journey would come flooding back. How the doppler being heard through the hallways might bring back how real my journey with Elias is. He was in my womb, he had a strong beating heart, he was here, he was with us. I often wonder if my pain, my heartache, my loss is written on my face. Sometimes I wish it was. I wish that people could look at me, look into my heart and see that my baby is not here and how badly I wish he was. I struggle with crying, feeling out loud these days, I wish it was not hard to show the pain.

Losing Elias has already brought so much glory to God's kingdom through so many lives. Well another life was touched Wednesday night and it was all because of God's work in my heart and life. Remember how I asked you to pray about sharing my testimony. God's peace was with me Wednesday night as I lead a young lady to the Lord. Thank you for all the prayers. I was in awe of how God was very clear that night that this young woman was ready to accept His love and grace. I was feeling really down after I shared my testimony because I left out a big chunk of what I thought I wanted to share. However God knew exactly what words needed to be spoken and who needed to hear them. The young lady who accepted the Lord this night had just lost a baby girl in November, she had 9 hours with her precious baby. At 17 this girl made the choice to carry her little girl despite knowing she would lose her. How strong and courageous she had already been. I pray that she continues to be strong by relying on our Lord. She has a tough road to break cycles and change life situations, but I know because of our God's love and grace He can carry her through. Will you join me in praying for her? I know the Lord knows her heart and situation, I rest in that. Praising the Lord for using my Elias to bring someone to know Him. Blessed be His Name!

Today Elias would have been one month old! This month would have been filled with lots of new things for us:

Bringing Elias home for his first time
First Bath
Understanding Elias signs for hunger, sleep and holding
Lots of nursing
Lots of rocking
Hopefully lots of sleeping
Singing my favorite songs to him
Watching him grow
Seeing how Ethan and Ella would have been loving on him and adjusting to having Elias with us

Instead we visit a place where we can go to remember him. Give him his little prize. Give him my heart. Give him my tears.

Visiting

2011-03-12T20:10:00.011-05:00

Two post in one day. There are times of rejoicing and praising the Lord for all He has given us and done in our lives, and then there are times of grief and sorrow. How quickly those times can come and go.

Corey and I headed out this afternoon to run some errands. One of those errands would be to visit Elias grave site and put some flowers on it. There is no headstone yet because they do not place them until the ground and weather is better, and I wanted something there. On a side note I have only been to his grave once, and that one time there was snow on the ground which made it difficult to see anything. It's not that I haven't wanted to visit the cemetery, but that it is much easier for me to see pictures of Elias living and thinking of how he is in heaven. We headed to Hobby Lobby in hopes to find something to place on his grave in lieu of his headstone. We found some perfect white daisy's and a pinwheel of a flower to place in the ground. I get so excited when we get to buy something for Elias or in memory of him. It makes me feel like I am his mother, that he is my child, and that I am taking care of him. On our way back to the cemetery, we noticed a sign posted that clean up would be on 3/15 and anything not removed off of a grave would be thrown away. I was so disappointed, so sad that I could not give Elias his prize today. We continued to Elias grave, but my excitement of going there turned to sadness. Sadness that he is not here with us, difficulties in helping Ethan realize that Elias is not here but this is a way to remember him. To get back to the cemetery it is a long road filled with lots of pine trees. I love this drive. Growing up when Mom would take us to visit Dad, we would roll down the windows on this drive and soak in the smells of the trees. While driving down the road this afternoon the sun started to shine briefly through the clouds. I could feel God whispering as if to say that it is okay, Elias is okay. He is perfect, he is well taken care of. He needs no prize, he has the best prize. The best prize of living with the Father. The Father who has promised so much to so many. I rest in all of those promises. Despite these promises I still have the need to be Elias mommy, take care of him, nurture him, love him. Despite knowing that he is in Heaven and no longer needs me, I will still continue to show my love for him by sharing his story, buying things in memory of him, and remembering how he has done so much for me, his mother, in his short life. We love you sweet little Elias!!! Your prize is coming soon...

Blessings

2011-03-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

The blessings that have been given to us throughout our journey with Elias have been so amazing. Each blessing has allowed us to praise the Lord for His work in our lives. I wanted to share some of things happening in our life. The Lord is real and He is working on our hearts.

Blessings received:

Cards and emails filled with scripture, love, and words of encouragement

Prayers- We know our family has been bathed in prayer over the last six months. We are so grateful for this. There were and are still times when I am so sad and heartbroken, but hold onto the fact that someone is praying for me, praying for our pain and grief.

Food- We are scheduled to receive 30 meals!!! How awesome is that? It has been a HUGE blessing to our family. We can just be a family and not worry about the details right now in our life.
Financially- We were able to give an awesome gift to the children's ministry at our church through the hearts of others.

Ultrasound Pictures- The Woman of Grace Church gave us a gift card to The Miracle in Me that helped us see our little guy during the time he was in my tummy. These ultrasound pictures allowed us to bond with Elias in a special way and to prepare for the delivery.

Pictures- Eileen at Traditions Photography has been so giving of her time, resources and energy. She gave us so much in the maternity, labor and delivery pictures. These pictures represent such a tender moment in our life. I love being able to look through and relive the start of our journey until the time we met Elias with remembering the smallest details because of her gift.

Friendships- Our friends and family relationships have blossomed and become so much more real then they could ever be.

Church- Our church continues to provide meals, prayer, support and love. We are part of an awesome local church family. I am so grateful to call Grace Church my home.

Appreciation for Life- Elias has taught us how precious life is on a deeper level then we knew before Elias was born.

Appreciation for one another- Elias has brought our friends, family and church closer. Closer to each other and closer to the Lord. Corey and I have also been brought closer together. We are trying to walk together through this valley, not alone. I love that Elias is teaching and showing his mom and dad how to better love and serve the Lord through their marriage and family.

Sharing God's Love- Will you pray for me about this? I am headed to the local juvenile detention center next week to share my testimony. I am so excited as the the Holy Spirit is laying verses and scripture on my heart to share with these girls. I am also scared and nervous. I know the Lord will be right there holding my hand and leading me in my words. I know on some level what they are thinking, feeling and dealing with. My prayer is that these girls would know they are loved by our God not because of what they have done, but because of what He has done for us. God's love and grace has been poured over my life, I pray they see that.

Growth- The Lord is working on my heart. My passion and desire to follow, obey, serve, love and praise Him is rising up inside me. I am unsure of what He has planned for my life, but I know that His plan is way better then mine.

I feel there are so many more blessings that have come from my sweet sweet little boy that can and will be added to our life here on earth. There is not an hour that goes by that an image of his precious self goes through my mind. He is a part of me, he has a part of my heart. That can never change or be taken away.

Impact

2011-03-10T06:34:00.004-05:00

My dear and best friend blogged about her lessons learned from Elias. I have read this about ten times and am just in awe how a little life has and is working in and on peoples hearts. Hope you are challenged as much as me by this post. Challenged to be more Christ like; love with no expectations, give without nothing in return, be a Godly friend, praying without ceasing and praising the Lord for everything He has given us.

http://sinnerssavedbygrace.blogspot.com/2011/02/lessons-from-elias-andrew-barnes.html

Sharing Elias' Story

2011-03-07T21:14:00.008-05:00

Its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that Elias was here just two short weeks ago. So many emotions, so much pain, so much joy knowing he is in Heaven. Most everyone who we are surrounded by knows the journey we are walking but there are a few who might not. I had a scheduled dentist appointment today and decided to keep it, really no reason not to. No crazy nursing schedule of a newborn or sleep deprivation brought on by a newborn like I might have thought we would be experiencing when I made my six month checkup back in September. I arranged for my mother in law to watch Ethan and Ella, which they were super excited; and headed to the dentist. This was only my second time at this dentist office, but was seeing the same hygienist. During my last visit I got to know a lot about my hygienist; what church she went to, that she liked to scrapbook/stamp and about her twin daughter and son. I knew she would remember that I was pregnant last Fall and ask me about our newest addition and she did. I was not hesitant. I was not sad. I was not mad. I was not sorry for myself. I smiled with a smile that God had given me and shared our story of the last six months. Shared how we chose to carry Elias, despite the recommendation for termination. Shared how we respect the life the Lord has given us, and that we are not the ones to choose when a life should end. Shared how the Lord has worked on my heart, my family's heart and so many around us because of Elias. Shared how God is the perfect plan. Shared how God knew all of this way before any of us. Shared how we continue to rest in His hands. She cried, surprisingly I did not, and she was so blessed and touched by our story. I was rejoicing and praising our Lord once again for Elias and the blessings that have flowed from him. Many blessings that people have bestowed upon us but will never now. I prayed for my hygienist tonight, I pray her heart is of the Lords and that hearing my journey today is an encouragement to her walk in Christ. I continue to pray for my heart, my convictions and that my life would be wholly His, not just a part of it.

Gone Already?

2011-03-04T08:58:00.004-05:00

Spending days, months and weeks preparing for Elias' arrival has come and gone. How could it be gone already? How could he be gone already? I printed some pictures of him and put them in our room. I love being able to wake up each day and see his sweet face and hands. Going to bed each night remembering how he allowed us to just love on him his entire day here on earth. We miss you terribly.

Up and Down

2011-03-02T20:39:00.008-05:00

As I am sure is so very common with anyone dealing with a loss of a loved one, the ride is a roller coaster. It truly is a day at a time, sometime hour by hour. The ups are the smiles, hugs and encouragement brought on by my two cuties, friends and families. We have been blessed beyond words and humbled to the floor. We have gotten so many cards, emails and Facebook messages that are uplifting and so thoughtful. The Lord continues to bless us and I pray that I continue to just give it back to Him. He is the one that deserves all the glory. The downs come at times when I hug, hold, love and laugh with my two cuties and at times I break for the need to have Elias here with us, part of our daily family life. He was and is so special to us, its so hard to believe he is gone. He lived his perfect God determined amount of time. I am so thankful for all that time- I can easily remember his peacefulness, his body and that day. I hold that time near to my heart.

A close friend had gotten a book about Heaven for Ethan and gave it to him last week. The book is simple and oh so very sweet. Every time I read it I remember how awesome, amazing, beautiful, perfect, worshipful place Heaven is. We know that Elias is singing praises to our Lord and is just so perfect. We long for the day to met Elias again...

Corey went back to work Monday and I have been busy busy busy from the time I wake up to the time I decide I need some rest. I have had some dear friends sit and keep me company, running errands, writing thank yous, thinking of crazy tasks to add to my to-do list and it could go on. Its good to be busy, it scares me to not be busy. I know the Lord is working on my heart to heal me and restore me in Him. I am craving my quiet time even more than when I was pregnant. Psalms has been a great book for me to consistently be in during this journey. I am reminded of his comfort and promises with every reading.

"The Lord is m light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?"Psalm 27:1

Expectations

2011-02-26T21:00:00.005-05:00

What types of expectations do you carry in your life? Expectations about how vacations might go, work related issues, for your children, how you might handle situations, how others might handle situations. Expectations come in lots of different areas of our life. Throughout my pregnancy with Elias I never had any expectations of what life would be like after Elias was born and had passed. I only looked forward to meeting Elias and had many expectations regarding my pregnancy and his life. This past week I have been a wreck at least a few or more times a day. I was not expecting to be hurting so badly. I do not doubt the Lords will for Elias' life. I know that God has been glorified and is continuing to be. Since I have no doubt, how could it still hurt this bad, how is it that I know God's work is being done in my life and others but have so much hurt. I emotionally hurt and the last two days I physically hurt. My body is constantly reminding me that I delivered a sweet little boy 8 days ago. Eights days that sometimes feels like just last hour and sometimes feels like eight weeks. I hurt to hold him, rub his feet, kiss his cheeks, soothe him, feed him, rock him, I hurt because he is gone. Gone onto to Heaven where he is made whole. I know he is perfect there. I had no expectation of what life would be like after Elias, but what I am walking through I would have never expected in a million years. I fall to my knees and ask the Father to take this away, to heal my heart.

While doing my quiet time yesterday my devotional that I am working through was on the verse in Psalm 139:13-14 "For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." We had chosen this verse to be printed with Elias obituary, and of course, here it is in my devotional the week that I have never expected. It is a great reminder for me that I need to be more focused on Him, this verse reveals how His Love for us is so intimate and he longs for us to praise Him because of it. So that is my expectation now- for Him to lead and me to follow hard after Him.

Elias' Memorial Service Monday February 21st 2011

2011-02-24T22:17:00.012-05:00

We celebrated the short time we had here on earth with Elias on Monday. It was a great morning full of reflection of what God has done for us and will continue to do in our lives. Elias' day here on earth was filled with perfect peace and serenity. The Lord was upon us in a way we had prayed and prayed over. At the bottom of this post you will find a letter that I wrote to share with everyone just how special this little guy was to me. There are and always will be more words to speak of how greatly he has affected my heart and others around me but until eternity.

This is an awesome and amazing slideshow Eileen put together for Elias in about 24hours. She is just the best.

To My Sweetest Elias,

Our journey started when I found out I was pregnant on June 13th 2010. From that moment you began to transform my heart and it will never be the same again. We started planning and thinking about how our life as a family would be changed by the addition of another child.

On Tuesday September 21st 2010 we learned how big that transformation would be. I was told that I should let you go. That letting you go now would be much easier then letting you go later. Your Daddy and I knew the second they spoke those words there was no choice really. The Lord had given you life through me and I was chosen to give you life as the Lord had given me mine. We began to pray for many things; that the Lord might heal you, that he would work in our lives to be able to understand and share why the Lord gave you to us. We also prayed that our Mighty Savior would be glorified over and over again through your life. There was no letting you go that day or any day afterwards. You were apart of us, of me, there was nothing that could change that. I was so humbled that God had chosen me to walk this journey to carry you and be your mother. I did not feel worthy, you are too special. My heart's desire was to allow the Lord to work in my life and be able to praise Him through yours, sweet Elias. The days, weeks and months were filled with so much peace and contentment knowing that our Lord was working. Working on what He had planned. As we prepared for your birth, we prayed over lots of decisions and wanted you to be comfortable and without suffering. Our prayer for your delivery and life was that the Lord would use it for whatever He wanted. We now can see how His perfect plan is always the best and exactly how it should be.

Do you know how many other hearts you have transformed? From the day we found out about you Elias, people loved and prayed for you. We have an amazing family, church family, and many close friends who continued to stretch their hands and hearts to our family because of you. So many people were praying and rejoicing in every aspect of your sweet life, from the time you were in my womb to the time you spent here on earth and now as you are in heaven. People love you and have been so proud to be able to hold and meet you. God has used you to change and unify a community.

When you first arrived, I was scared that you were only going to be with us for a few short minutes, but you proved us wrong. Even at this time God proved to be in control. I love how you showed me in your sweet life how much God loves me and how I will always be in his hands. You are such a precious little boy. I fell in love with you the second I saw you. You were perfect in my eyes - just perfect. When they layed you on my chest I saw no imperfections but love. You had these long fingers and toes. I never imagined you would be as big as you were. Weighing in at 5lbs. 4oz. and 18in. long you were much more than your Daddy and I expected. All day long we tried to study you so we would not forget. From your perfect fingers and toes to your cute little nose and little lips. Your chest was so strong. We sat all day admiring you. So many people were there to love you. You met your brother and sister who also loved your hands and feet. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles and two special friends of ours were there to love you and praise the Lord for your life. Your day here on earth was more than anyone of us could have imagined. Filled completely with love, laughter, tears, praises to the Lord, and prayers. Your day was filled wiwth the presence of the Lord more than ever in my life. He was carrying me throught thte day just as we prayed for. The Lord took you from my arms to his. We are so thankful in the blessing of him sweetly taking you into Heaven. You are made whole. As we were praising the Lord with our voices, you ran into Jesus arms. We knew you were taking that short trip and would be praising the Father at his feet. We cannot wait to meet you again and praise the Lord with you in our arms again.

Your life has deepened my relationship with the Lord more than I could have ever imagined it would. Scripture and the Lord's promises have been poured over me to soak into my heart and mind. We have been constantly reminded of how our lives should florify our Mighty Savior in ever aspect. Your are an example of God's presence and I never question His will for your life.
There is so much more to say, more than we could ever speak. I rest in knowing that you know all of this before it leaves my lips.

With all of my heart sweet Elias,

Your Mommy

People Dear to My Heart

2011-02-24T21:44:00.009-05:00

First there are three people that I do not have pictures of which breaks my heart, but I will forever remember they were apart of Elias' life-Corey's brother and sister and our night nurse, Kristen. Corey's brother and sister came later in the afternoon which was after our sweet sweet photographer left. It is amazing that he was able to meet each of these people and touch their hearts and lives. I am so thankful they were all able to be there. My sisters and Mom spent all day and well into their evening with us or in the waiting room. I am so glad that they were there with me the whole day. My two very dear and special friends Anitra and Mary spent their entire night on their knees praying to our Lord for Elias and me. I am eternally grateful for their friendship, devotion to the Lord and love. They mean the world to me, I am so glad the Lord brought them into my life. We are especially grateful for Corey's parents. They spent two nights at our house so our kids did not have to be away from home, how awesome is that. I was a nervous wreck leaving for the hospital Thursday night because we had never left the kids before. However, Ethan and Ella love their grandparents and had a great two days with them. Our nurses were amazing. We had prayed and prayed over our labor and delivery and the people involved. God had his hand over us this entire day but gave us a gift in our nurses. They have touched my heart with their love and kindness, they are amazing nurses. Our pediatrician Dr. Sanders, came and met Elias, checked him out just like any other baby that would be under her care. She had good advice and I was impressed by her more than ever.

Eileen...There are just no words to describe the gift she has given us. I met Eileen through a mutual friend, where she had come to learn of the journey I was walking. She offered to take a maternity session and pictures of Elias after he was born. When doing our maternity session she also offered to take pictures of labor and delivery. I accepted, and I will be forever grateful for her. Giving up her time and energy to give us something no one else could. She has created memories for me that will allow me to never forget. What a special gift you have Eileen, thank you for sharing it with me.

All Praises To You

2011-02-19T07:48:00.006-05:00

Elias went to be with our Lord and savior last night at 11:25pm. He slipped beautifully from our arms to the Lords as we were praising Him with our voices. It could not have been a more perfect and peaceful time. We give all praise and blessing back to our God. Many times over we are so thankful for prayers, love and support from all our family and friends.

Here is the song we were praising the Lord with as Elias passed.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name

Welcome Elias Andrew

2011-02-18T18:23:00.002-05:00

Elias Andrew made his debut this morning at 6:21am, weighing in at 5lbs 40z and 18in long. We are approaching 12 hours of peaceful, loving time spent with him. What a huge blessing of time and peace upon us. Thank you everyone for your prayers!!!!!

Details

2011-02-17T15:50:00.002-05:00

Just the facts to share this afternoon. Corey and I are heading to the hospital around 9pm tonight to start the induction process. We thank everyone for all their prayers, thoughts and love, they mean a lot to us. We will try to post something tomorrow when sweet Elias has arrived.

"Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, Just as we hope in You." Psalm 33:22

Wednesday Night

2011-02-16T21:07:00.004-05:00

Too many emotions tonight; tears, sadness, laughter, smiling, irritable, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, fear, anticipation, more tears and more laughter. I am just all over the place. I am so thankful for all the emails, facebook messages and prayers that people are sharing with me. Those prayers and messages are keeping me moving along. I am in awe of how many people are praying for us. Really do not feel worthy.

Praying for God to be glorified in the coming days, praying that he would heal Elias if that is his will, praying for strength and reliance on Him.

"But You O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the One who lifts up my head." Psalm 3:3

" I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will tell of all Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You: I will praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

Maternity/Family Pictures

2011-02-11T21:04:00.012-05:00

Corey and I have been so privileged to come in contact with Eileen owner of Traditions Photography in South Bend. She had heard about Elias and our journey through a friend we go to church with and contacted us. She is affiliated with an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which photographs babies after they pass for parents. It is a great gift to parents and I am so thankful for her willingness to photograph these types of situations. She offered to do a maternity/family session for us. She did an amazing job and the pictures turned out better than I could of ever hoped! Memories to last us a lifetime! Once again I am so humbled by all the willing hearts to help us walk this valley.

Doctors Visit

2011-02-10T14:42:00.007-05:00

We had our doctors appointment this afternoon with no expectations. We left everything in the Lords hands and for his timing. Nothing has changed as far as my body progressing further toward delivery so we have another appointment scheduled for next Thursday morning. If I have not had Elias before then we will go in Thursday night for an induction. The doctor who will be on call next weekend delivered Ethan and we are totally comfortable with him helping us through this delivery. Not sure if I ever shared this but at the end of December the high risk doctor we had been seeing let us know he was leaving the practice effective January 1st and would not be able to help in delivering Elias! I was scared and felt a little abandoned. However, after praying and thinking it through, we decided to stay with the practice and see a rotation of doctors. It has been a learning experience for me and I think for our doctors as well. We hopefully have all learned how to communicate better, see others opinions without letting ours get in the way, and that the doctors have seen the love of God through Corey and I.

God has given us the gift of time the last week and hopefully the next week. I was up way too late last night and came up with a list of things that I want to do for Elias and my family before he arrives. I am so thankful for a God that knows everything especially in times when I have no idea!
"You know my sitting down and my rising up;You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down. And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;It is high, I cannot attain it. " Psalm 139:2-6

Days

2011-02-08T20:56:00.005-05:00

We have been plugging along since our last doctors appointment trying to keep our routine going. We filled our weekend with shopping, eating out twice, watching a nephews hockey game, worshiping at church; and enjoying some family time for the super bowl. Corey and I both tend to get stir crazy at home after a period of time, so we knew we needed to keep busy or else I might just bleach clean everything:) I spent Monday with a dear friend who came just to sit and hang out with me on a non busy day. It was great to have her here to just talk while the kids played. Today, we ran some errands to the credit union and Walmart; and got Ethan's hair cut. Its amazing how in five weeks his hair can grow and be so crazy. He looks so handsome with his hair trimmed up. Tomorrow, my sister and I plan to take my Grandma out to lunch. We are going to try a new restaurant which will add some excitement to our adventure. Since Grandpa passed, I have really been trying to spend at least one day a week with her for a few hours. I enjoy her company and I think she likes my craziness too:) I think we filled up our days until we get to Thursday and have another doctors visit. I am not nearly as nervous this week as last. It seems I have just allowed God to work in the way I should have from the beginning. Each day my quiet time seems to be exactly what I need to get me through the day. I have also been so blessed by so many emails and messages with great verses and words of encouragement.

I have been feeling really well physically and some what emotionally. I have not had any contractions, and have not been really uncomfortable which is a blessing. I continue to enjoy this blessing inside my womb kicking and flipping his way around. Mommy loves you so much sweet Elias.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

I just LOVE being able to rest in all of Gods promises, Don't you?

Update

2011-02-04T10:43:00.002-05:00

Today I thought I would meet our sweet Elias. Today is not the day. We had a doctors appointment yesterday and what we thought would be deciding on details of an induction today did not happen. I continue to wait on the Lord and his perfect timing. I feel like I have let all my prayer warriors down today, all the prayers that have been sent up to Him for our family today and over the last few months are more than appreciated. I am thankful for continuous love and support for us as today is just not the day. We will wait on the Lord and his promises.

"My Brethern, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let the patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Anticipation

2011-02-02T20:37:00.008-05:00

We were supposed to have a doctor's appointment today, but due to the blizzard that came last night our appointment was canceled. I was anticipating this appointment because of discussion concerning induction and progress I may have made towards delivery. The doctors office never called, and their closing was never posted on the internet so I was having a little anxiety this morning. I know Corey would have gotten us their safely but I now know God had another plan for me today. That plan was to let it go and allow Him to be in control. After prayer, talking with a few good friends and of course some tears I let God be in control. A few hours later my doctors office called and said I could be seen tomorrow at 10:30! Its amazing how the Lord knows exactly how I need things to happen to allow Him to be in the driver seat. I am only a passenger on this road of life.

I have had a few friends that have brought this verse in Isaiah into my heart over the last few days. I have felt numb/speechless in some sense. I think that God is laying his hands and strength upon me. I am letting go of this burden and heartache, I am letting Him carry it.

"He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young man shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

Special Hearts

2011-01-29T08:00:00.002-05:00

I have been so blessed by the people who have surrounded themselves around me to lift me up in prayers and words of encouragement. Its hard to believe that they have sacrificed time, energy, prayers and love for our family. I don't seem worthy. My hope and prayer is that I have learned from each of these families and allowed God to work in my life in these areas.

I received an awesome gift. Awesome is probably not the most adequate word but it is truly an amazing gift and work of love. Some woman who are near and dear to my heart put together a scrapbook for Elias. In this scrapbook are some verses I have shared over the past few months, pictures of events I have spent with them while pregnant; and so many words of love for Elias and our family. I am so humbled. I pray that Elias might have the chance to see this book someday.

Ironically today before Ethan's nap we read a bible story and it happened to be the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet. A story where God teaches us to love and give to others like so many people have done for us. John 13: 15-17 "For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master;nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."

The encouraging emails that I have received from friends, family, people whom I have not yet met, and this scrapbook have pointed me back to the Lord continuously. My prayer and challenge for myself is that one day I can return these acts just as Jesus has directed us to.

Ready?

2011-01-26T20:50:00.006-05:00

Its hard to say exactly what has been going on emotionally for me the last couple of weeks, but it has come with peace. God has continued to extended his peace to me just as he has since Corey and I found out about Elias condition. Peace that God is in control and that he knows everything!

"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

Two nights ago I woke to having contractions. The contractions continued for about four and half hours every eight to ten minutes until my body gave in and feel asleep. During these hours I was feeling desperate, scared, and so nervous. I had no bag packed or real set plan for the kids. I was not yet completely ready. However, I feel God was preparing me to be ready when the time comes to meet Elias. I just kept thinking how am I going to be able to let go of him? The Holy Spirit just kept knocking on my heart that God hears me, he is all knowing; and his time is perfect. "I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

So, we have not yet met Elias. We wait. I wait in joy, sadness, scaredness, nervousness, numbness and most of all I wait patiently. Its hard to imagine the events of the next few weeks and how everything from his delivery to passing to the funeral to the burial will go. It is in God's hands and we will rest in that promise. But I am not sure how I will ever be able to let Elias go? I just keep having this vision of a nurse or someone taking him from me and me begging for a bit longer with him. I can not let go, not yet. Praying for a miracle!

"But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, That I may declare all Your works." Psalm 73:28

"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blesses are all those who wait for Him."Isaiah 30:18

Ethan is 3!!!

2011-01-18T20:51:00.005-05:00

Its really hard to believe that Ethan is three years old!!! We had a great time celebrating with family. He really got into his birthday this year which made it loads of fun the days leading up to his party. Ethan is such a wonderful little boy and fits perfectly into our family.

The things I love about him most these days are his cheese smile, his willingness to help clean or help pick up toys, his love for his Daddy, how he loves going to church to learn about God,see his friends and make a craft, watching his imagination grow, how he only wants to snuggle with mommy in the morning but its all about Daddy at night time, his love for his sister. He is such a sweet, loving little boy. I don't know what we would do without him!!!

Tired

2011-01-16T20:54:00.008-05:00

We again had somewhat of a busy weekend celebrating Ethan's big third birthday. It was loads of fun but as you all know work to get ready for. I am feeling so tired; not really physically but mentally and emotionally. I am not sure how much longer I can attempt to hold it together. Just tired.

Tired of sadness.

Tired of not being able to let anyone know how I am really feeling.

Tired of only crying when I am alone - by my own doing.

Tired of knowing I will most likely only hold Elias for a short amount of time.

Tired of being ready, I know I really do not want this time of Elias being alive and safe in my tummy to end but I am feeling ready.

Tired of guilt for not being a better wife, Mom or friend some days when I am feeling oh so tired.

Tired of strangers telling me my hands will be full with three little ones when in reality they won't be full but empty.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of seeing the clothes that I am hoping to be able to dress Elias in.

Tired of seeing other pregnant woman who I know will have healthy beautiful children.

Tired of feeling guilty for being so sad when I see other pregnant woman.

Just tired...The cry of my heart is to rest in the promises of God and allow him to do what he pleases in my life and my families.

"I will praise the name of God with a song, And will magnify Him with thanksgiving."

Psalm 69:30

Junk

2011-01-09T20:50:00.008-05:00

We had a busy weekend at the Barnes house. We had a mess in our basement, with junk filling almost every corner it seemed. It was time to re-organize and I was super excited. If you don't know, I love to clean, throw out, and create a nice tidy spot for almost everything. We worked most of Saturday afternoon and some of Sunday. We threw out lots of boxes and moved a ton of stuff around. Everything seems to be in a place for now.

It seems as if times in our life we might have "junk" filling every corner of our hearts. Cleaning out our basement was some sort of rejuvenation for me taking all of my junk right to the cross. By taking my junk I mean my burdens that stretch from one corner of my heart to another. I have been struggling the past few weeks with fear of the unknown, sadness, learning how to show and share my emotions (something that was never hard for me before walking through this valley), patience and resentment. While cleaning out our basement, I realized that I need to clean out my heart. Take my sins/burdens/junk to Him, lay them at the cross. He has already forgiven me of them! There is no re-organizing my heart, pushing them from one side to another. They need to be wiped cleaned. I am so grateful they have been wiped cleaned by His sacrifice for me.

At the Foot of the Cross

Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love

Through the judgement you received

And you've won my heart

Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty

And wear forgiveness like a crown

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy

I lay every burden down

At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross

Where I have been made complete

You have given me life

Through death you bore for me

And you have won my heart

Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty

And wear forgiveness like a crown

Coming to kiss the feet of mercy

I lay every burden down

At the foot of the cross

Heartache and Hopefulness

2010-12-30T20:26:00.004-05:00

My heart is aching more than ever for our sweet Elias. My heart aches for the perfect little boy he is in my eyes. How his big brother and big sister already adore him so much and the fact they will only be able to show him that adoration briefly. I ache for the unknown; how long will he live, will he be able to eat, will he come home, will we meet him alive. My heart aches for all of the things I will miss as a mom- hugs, kisses, naps with a sweet newborn, first words, funny faces, family portraits, birthdays, holidays, and every other milestone I savor with my children. Elias is so prefect its hard to understand but he will be too perfect to stay.
My heart is also hopeful. Hopeful that God might heal Elias and he will be part of the family here on Earth.
"I wait on the Lord, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope." Psalm 130:5

Elias 12.15 Ultrasound

2010-12-16T21:48:00.000-05:00

Last night was our last ultrasound at The Miracle In Me in Niles. It was a little sad to know we were not coming back and a little nerve racking to know the next time we see Elias will be when he is born. We got some awesome pictures of him tonight. He was not covering his face as much as he had done in the past. Our tech took 95 pictures of him! She said normally they take 50-60 but he was being too cute she had to keep taking them. It has been an amazing experience to be able to do these ultrasounds, and I am so thankful this place is here.

Corey and I are working on our birth plan to give to the doctors this Monday. It will be a good opportunity to get alot of the details on paper to share with our team at the hospital. There are so many things to think about and desisions to make in regards to delivery and after. Pray that Corey and I can find some peace while trying to put this together.

There are good days and difficult days; that's the only way to describe this process. I am strong because of my reliance on the Lord, but sad because I do not want to let go. I am not ready to let go and I am glad that time has not yet come. Elias is moving and kicking all day and night and with every kick I am amazed by God's creation. He has given me moments with Elias that no one else will ever understand or get to experience. I am thankful to be Elias' mommy. I have been challenged the last few weeks more than ever to be a stronger woman of faith. The Lord is teaching Corey and I many things through this process. I have felt I was lost in translation the last few months and I am ready to step out and try to hear and DO what God is calling me to do.

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted on earth!"

Psalm 46:10

Messy Jesse

2010-12-15T21:22:00.005-05:00

This was my "nickname" growing up. Mostly this came from my family, maybe that is why I am such a germaphobe, clean freak now:)! Kind of awful you might think? Maybe not. I think we are all messy. Messy in the sense that we are all sinners and that it does not matter how big of a clean freak or germaphobe you are; we are all "messy" in light of eternity. There are many things people try to do to remove their messiness, possibly in a job/work, family, money, hobbies. The truth is the only way to get rid of that messiness is to understand and accept the truth and promises of our Lord. We must be cleansed with the blood of Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins. For ALL of our messiness is sinfulness. I am so thankful for my Lord and savior. Many people have asked as we walk through this time with Elias how we can be so strong. I am not strong, it is he who strengthens me. For I could not do this without him!

"For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my sould knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. "

Psalm 139 13-16

Elias Ultrasound 11.17.10

2010-12-03T14:24:00.005-05:00

These ultra sound pictures are of our latest 3D ultrasound done on November 17th. It was amazing to see how much he had grown and just how perfect everything about him was. He was very active but we were able to get some really good shots. We have our last ultrasound next week and I am even more excited to see how big he has gotten.

Every Good and Perfect Gift comes from above. James 1:17

Our Family

2010-12-03T13:55:00.002-05:00

We carved our first family pumpkin this year. Growing up we always carved pumpkins and I always disliked cleaning the pumpkins out. I think I have passed my dislike onto Ethan. Ella was all about getting dirty and slimy, while Ethan watched from a safe distance. We have started a tradition that I hope to uphold for my kids.

Just some random shots of our growing kids. They love to color, glue and paint anytime I have the patience too:) Since Ella began walking a few months ago Ethan and Ella have been playing more together which is super cute to watch. I had to add in the picture of Ella with a baton. For those of you who do not know I twirled for most of my growing up and one of my baton coaches got this for her when she was born, who knows or not if she will be a future twirler!:)!

I wonder if her Mom talks on the phone a lot???:)!!! The other morning I was talking to my sister and the whole time I talked Ella talked, it was super cute. She was having a pretty meaningful conversation with someone:)

Life Lately

2010-11-08T20:54:00.027-05:00

It has been awhile since I have posted for many reasons. First, I've been very tired and it seems that after the kids go to bed I just want to relax and not really think. Secondly, the last few weeks have been emotionally taxing, and it has been difficult to put my thoughts on paper. On October 24th my Grandpa Smith passed away. He was a rock to our family and to me. Grandpa was someone who I knew would always be there. Although his health had been failing the last several months, I was not emotionally prepared to say goodbye to my grandpa who has meant so much. The week after he passed was a week full of sharing memories, love, tears and laughter with an extended family that I am so grateful for and love so dearly. Two of my cousins were able to share his life story and accomplishments at the funeral which was amazing. They spoke of a man who had great integrity, love for his family, hard worker and loved everyone. I came across this poem the other day and thought instantly of my Grandpa who was loved very dearly and missed daily.

"Broken Chain"

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, and in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

During the week of my Grandpa's funeral Corey and I were both reflective of our son Elias and the road ahead of us. As I mentioned before, although we all knew that Grandpa's health had been failing, its not possible to be emotionally prepared to let go of loved ones. Corey and I both know that God is giving us this time of pregnancy to prepare ourselves to completely let go of Elias; however, despite feeling peace and contentment that we are to be obedient to God's plan for our family, I don't think Corey or I are completely prepared for this journey. Most days I feel like I am experiencing a "normal" pregnancy with all of Elias movement, heartburn and tiredness. Each time I experience these pregnancy symptoms I am reminded of God's plan for Elias. I try to continue about my activities without focusing on our earthly loss of Elias. It is all the prayers, my two perfect and healthy kids; and my husband that keep me going past those thoughts. I want to remember this pregnancy as a happy, loving, and bonding time for Elias and I and my family. Despite wanting this out of my pregnancy with Elias there are some realities that are hard to deal with. The reality of deciding on a memorial service, the reality of trying to explain to people that our baby will not be with us for very long, the reality of trying to understand how to talk to our children about their brother. I just pray that our Lord continues to draw me closer to him and to keep turning to him in all the tears and laughter! I look ahead to our next couple of weeks meeting with the funeral home, new doctors; and whoever may cross our path and are able to see Gods gift of life and love for all.

Perfect Hands and Feet

2010-10-23T20:53:00.015-04:00

Corey and I were blessed to be able to have a 4D ultrasound done this past week. We thought this would be a perfect way to meet our little guy and bond in an unique way. Thanks to the "Woman of Grace Church" and their generosity in giving us a gift certificate to "The Miracle in Me-4D Ultrasound", we now have very special memories of our little boy that we will have for the rest of our lives. I was prepared for the worst, but was hoping for the best in regards to the severity of his anencephaly. It was pretty clear that at this point, God has not decided to do a miracle as the physical affects of anencephaly were very present. Despite the findings, I was still amazed by his perfect hands, feet, and the rest of his perfectly created body. He was very active which made the experience that much more special. There is no question that Elias is a divinely created life, made perfect by God. The ultra sound made everything so much more real for me, and I reminded myself that Elias is a gift from our Lord brought into our life for a special reason. HE is ALL knowing and is working in our hearts to be able to let him go when that time comes. I love Elias so much, and I want God to be glorified through his life. I am praying for God's will whatever that might be. Miralce or no miracle, I will rest in his comfort and protection. I had the opportunity last night to attend "Night with the Chapmans" featuring Steven Curtis Chapman, his two sons and his wife. Two years ago they lost their daughter in a tragic accident at their home. This family has rallied together around Christ and each other to live for His will. Steven Curtis Chapmans son, Caleb, spoke of a dream he had shortly after his sister had passed. In this dream, he was looking at a painting which when viewed up close was very blury. As he moved farther away from the painting, parts of the painting became clear. He paralled this dream to their family situation and realized that the farther they got away from the day of the accident the more clearer this painting was becoming. They will never see all the details of the painting until they are walking with Jesus Christ in Heaven. Only then will they be able to see what a beautiful painting God created through the loss of their child, sister and friend. I thought this was a perfect image of what we all might walk through in life and how God will allow us to completely see the glory in it when we reach Him. It was a great night of worship, tears and laughter. I am so blessed with an amazing group of friends, unsure of what I would do without them.

Doctor Update

2010-10-16T22:11:00.009-04:00

We had a doctor appointment yesterday. There are not any new concerns, and everything is going well. My blood pressure was perfect, and I am measuring right for 23 weeks. Corey and I had some questions as to what the delivery process would be like because of the many scenarios that could be played out. This is where most of my anxiety is held as you could understand. The doc told us that the likelihood of Elias being born alive was very good, and that there was a good chance he would come home with us. This was kind of a shock to us as we assumed he would only live a few moments, hours, or day. Because he has been so active, I do feel as though we would be able to meet him, and share what time God will give us. We were not mentally prepared for him to come home. I am unsure how I feel about all of this. It is a bit scary and overwhelming. One of my concerns is our children and how much harder this will be for them to understand. Another concern is the fasion in which God will call Elias home. Babies with anencephaly have difficulty eating because they have a hard time learning to swallow which would be a determination of Elias coming home with us. Our doctor felt that our questions would be better answered by the neonatologist at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center where we will deliver. We will have a meeting with our doctor and him in the next couple of weeks so that he can inform of us of all the various scenarios. Other than the unknown I am physically feeling good and the pregnancy is progressing perfectly.

Family and Friends

2010-10-15T21:24:00.019-04:00

I have wanted to share for days how humbled I have felt over and over again over the last few weeks. It first began as Corey and I learned about the journey God was about to carry us through. I felt so overwhelmed by learning God was choosing our family to be his servant to carry Elias, to learn how to completely let go of Elias and give him back to God; and to allow His will and timing to happen. Despite feeling so overwhelmed I continue to have a peace that God will be glorified and that we will be able to show God's love to people around us. Over the last few weeks the amount of people that have offered help, prayer, and support has seriously been amazing! People whom we have not yet had the opportunity to meet are praying. I am humbled by God's choice of me, and I am humbled by the people who have come along side us with prayer and support. I feel as though what we are choosing, life for our son, would be no different than what others would choose for their own children. The only difference being that we know we have to selflessly let go and let God call him home at His divinely appointed time. I am beginning to think that there isn't a way to completely prepare for this. I am thankful that God has given us this time to get to know Elias - love him, talk to him, sing to him, pray for him and with him. Despite all this time there seems as if there is no way my heart or mind can process what will happen when its time for God to call him home. Although there are many unknowns for us, I know my Lord knows ALL and I rest in that. I know there are so many people praying for us and those prayers are being felt daily. I believe by those prayers we have been given the strength we need to continue each day. I am so thankful for your willingness to pray continuously and faithfully.

Ella is One!!!

2010-10-13T13:24:00.004-04:00

Ella turned one years old on 9/21!!! She is getting so big by her standards. She is eating table food all of the time and has started walking this week! Let the new adventures begin:)! She is a very curious little girl eating anything she can find; rocks, grass, dirt, crumbs, paper and literally any little piece of anything. She is trying really hard to talk and can say; Momma, Dadda, Ethan, juice, cup and cat. She is a cute and sweet little girl who loves to be rocked. She brings such joy to all of our lives! Happy Birthday sweet Ella!!!!

"No Pain-No Gain"

2010-10-05T20:51:00.015-04:00

Have you ever heard this phrase before? I heard it a lot growing up. In fact, I heard it so much, it could have been our family motto?! The last five days I have been really sick with a sinus/ear infection. Even after delivering two kids, I still have no pain tolerance and a sinus infection can wipe me out. I always think I have never been this sick, but really, this time I don't think I have been this sick in a long time. It all started Thursday night with terrible body aches, waking up to a sore throat and fever. I decided to go to the doctor that day because I have been so run down due to not sleeping well and just everything. I never get strep; but yep, you got it, strep it is. The doctor prescribed amoxicillin, and I was ready to give it 24 hrs. and be back to normal. Well, on Sunday my throat started to feel a little better; however, a little ear ache came my way which has ended up to be a horrible ear infection, ozzy and all. I called the doctor Monday because obviously the antibiotic wasn't working. The doctor switched me over to augmentin which I hope is going to help me feel better by tomorrow morning. I just need to get a good nights rest, whatever that means now, and I think I will feel better. Despite thinking this is the worst I have ever felt, I am reminded of our Saviour and the price he paid for me. "No Pain No Gain". I am not sure this would have been Jesus motto, but I do believe he knew what we would gain through his pain. I am reminded of one of my favorite songs "How Deep The Fathers Love For Us". This song paints a perfect picture of how much our Heavenly Father loves and cares for us.

How Deep the Father's Love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That he would give his only Son
To make a wretch his treasure

How Great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns his face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my barking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gift, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from his reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

To him I give all the glory and blessing that has been given to Corey and I. Its only because of him I remain strong daily and encouraged by his love and comfort.
" Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding:

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Waiting

2010-09-29T20:27:00.013-04:00

We are so blessed by all of you who have put your arms around us during this time. We have an amazing family and church family. Corey and I walked out of church on Sunday and said, "Our church is awesome." We are comforted by your prayers and support. You all have truly been a blessing.

This week seems to be never ending. Our situation seems to be never ending. However, two of my closest friends are coming over for lunch tomorrow. It will be good to spend some valuable time with them. I am trying to process what delivery and the time after delivery will be like, and it seems hard to wrap my mind around it. We go back to the doctor on 10/15, so hopefully the doctor can help answer some questions. Corey and I also have decided that we need to get a 3D/4D ultrasound done since our office does not do them. I am excited to be able to see Elias and to do all we can to know him before our Lord decides to take him. I am excited and also nervous for the ultrasound since we will really be able to see the physical affects of anencephaly. At the same time I think it will better prepare us for delivery and our time with Elias. I am praying for the strength that God has given to continue to be strong as the days go by. It is hard to continue in the normalcy of life knowing that our child will not be with us for very long. I feel like I should be spending every moment grieving and praying for him. I also feel like God has given me opportunities to share his love with others, love my children differently, love my husband in a new way, love my Lord in a new way that I would not have been able to if Elias was not given to us. I am so thankful for this sweet child and what he is bringing to my life. Sweet little Elias how I long to hold you and keep you warm, rock you to sleep and snuggle with you. I long to see your smile, hear your laugh, know the color of your eyes. You are already serving our heavenly Father in a way none of us can. Know you are loved, sweet Elias.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD." Psalms 27:13-14

Prepartion

2010-09-24T21:23:00.005-04:00

For the last four months, I have been preparing my heart, family, and home for a new baby to come into our lives. Preparing for the endless nursing sessions, sleepless nights, double diaper duty, organizing bedrooms, endless laundry (which is already in progress), making sure all my children are loved and their needs are met. However, today while cleaning and organizing I realized that my preparation is different now. I am no longer preparing to bring my child home to our house but to prepare him for the Lord's house. I am preparing my heart so that our sweet Elias's life be given completely over to God. I do not want to get in the way of what God is doing in our lives through this sweet child. I want Him to be in control because I know that I can not. I tend to schedule everything from eating times, nap time, laundry time, play time, devotional time. Whatever can be scheduled I schedule. Its no longer my time to schedule but his. His timing is perfect and I rest in that.

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

My heart

2010-09-22T14:34:00.014-04:00

Wednesday 9/22/2010

Today I could not open my eyes for when I did I was scared that the news I learned would still be real. Yesterday at this same time I was getting ready for the day with no worries, fears or anxiety. I opened my eyes as I heard Ethan's feet running toward my bed and at that moment I remembered that God is in control and that I am the servant he has chosen for this task. I grabbed Ethan in my arms so thankful for this little boy in a way I had not known before yesterday. Its amazing how in a short amount of time I am able to appreciate these two healthy and beautiful children God has given us in a new light. Understanding that this is the path that God has called us, this verse has brought me peace, comfort, and excitement. "Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. " Jeremiah 33:3

Friday 9/24/2010

Its amazing how numb my body feels, yet I have this horrible headache and can not get rid of the feeling that I want to throw up. Everything is so overwhelming but every time it builds up all I can do is turn to God and give him joy, glory and rejoice in him. Its amazing how I have fallen in love with worship music all over again. Just as I had as I became a Christ follower. Corey and I am awed by the people wanting to help in anyway possible. Meals, cleaning, you name it they would do it. Its been such a relief not needing to worry about dinner, especially with Ethan and Ella. Its so comforting to know that people are praying. It is in the weak moments when I break down, I remember all the people praying for us and am comforted in your prayers. I am feeling a lot like Moses when the Lord reassures him in Exodus 3:12 "So he said, "I will certainly be with you, and this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you..." I know he is with me, holding me in his hand.

There is a part of me that wants to go back, go back to routine life, schedules, and activities. I feel like everything has come to a halt but in reality everything is continuing around us. We had planned on having Ella's first birthday party tomorrow. We canceled, re-scheduled, canceled and now its back on:) I am somewhat relieved that we are having her party. It will be good to be around family and do something that is "normal". I feel like I need to come to an understanding that this is my new normal...coming to understand that Elias will only be with us for a short amount of time and to allow God to have complete control over every second. My heart is forever changed by Elias and I give God all the glory.

I am so thankful for the people God has surrounded me with. Know you are loved very much.

In Christ,

Jessica

Its a Boy, Elias Andrew

2010-09-21T13:39:00.008-04:00

Today I had an appointment for my routine ultrasound. During that appointment Corey and I learned that our child has a disorder called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the cephalic (head) end of the neural tube fails to close, usually between the 23rd and 26th day of pregnancy, resulting in the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull and scalp. Everything is developing- his heart is beating very strongly and he is moving his arms and legs. We went back to see a high risk doctor the following day to confirm the diagnosis. I also had blood work done and my protein levels were eight times above the average number.

The first doctor recommended we terminate pregnancy immediately. It was a lot to understand at that moment. Corey and I asked some questions and knew we needed to seek a second opinion. I knew after seeing my child's heart beat, his activity, and everything else about him, that our little boy is a special living child created by God. We have decided to carry this little boy, Elias Andrew, full term. There is no hope for survival. He will either be born still, live a few minutes, hours, or days; but will only be with us for a short amount of time. I have the uttermost peace knowing that God is calling me to be his servant in this and that he will see us through. I pray that I glorify Him and that only HIS will be done.

Mr. Ethan

2010-07-25T21:25:00.003-04:00

Its harder and harder to get Ethan to either hold still for a picture or smile in a "normal" way:) He loves to cheese it up for the camera. He is such a good little helper still; always wanting to help dust, vacuum, get things for Ella, set the table for dinner or whatever it is we have going on that day. We have a blast doing lots of puzzles, painting, coloring and doing whatever craft I might be able to think up. He is such an amazing little boy with lots of things to say:)!

Miss Ella

2010-07-25T21:23:00.004-04:00

Here are some random shots of Ella. She is a busy girl these days, crawling and climbing on everything. Just last weekend she started crawling and pulling up and by this weekend is a pro. She loves that she can get around on her own and get into all those curious cabinets:) The fun has begun!!!

Outdoor Fun

2010-07-25T21:18:00.004-04:00

We have been a busy family this summer. We go outside almost everyday. The kids love to be outside playing bikes, chalk or playing on the swing set. Ethan was able to run through the sprinklers for his first time this summer which he thought was hilarious. It has been really hot around here this summer but that has not bothered them to much. I kind of like the heat, as long as the air conditioner is working when its time to head inside:)

We also spent a few days at the beach. The kids loved spending the day playing in the sand and jumping waves. Ethan is so brave around the water. We are hoping we can get back a few more times before Fall gets here.