Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Heart

How are you feeling? Physically wonderfully. Truthfully feel the glow of pregnancy on the outside. On the inside, pretty yucky.
 
The last few weeks have been emotional to say the least. Christmas time? maybe. Anniversary coming up? maybe. Snow falling? maybe.
 
Fear and anxiety have gotten me. Fear over the health of our baby. Fear of losing another child. Anxious over every cramp, hurt or ache. Fearful of what I might not be doing. Anxious over what I need to be doing. Fearful that my cramps will turn to miscarriage. Anxious that I feel too good.
 
The only two people I have shared these feeling with, told me I was crazy. Well I don't feel crazy, I just feel alone. Alone that no one understands that just because Elias died almost two years ago, wow two years where has that time gone, doesn't mean that I am strong enough to walk through this pregnancy without fear and support. To be praying that my baby has a head was something I never dreamed of doing before Elias. I was so naive to life. I never imagined that I would be burying my child and giving him back to the Lord. But I did. As I walk through this new journey of grief and life as a mother who has lost her child, everything has changed. There is not anymore ignorance to what you think are the guarantees of life. There is not a guarantee for a healthy baby. I know that if God calls me to walk that road again, I will. Not for me but for Him.
 
My heart hurts. I am praying for God to heal it. I know He will.
 
 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wonds." Psalm 147:3

1 comment:

Cory and Beth said...

You are absolutely not crazy! Your emotions are completely understandable. Keep trusting in the Lord. He is walking with you every step of the way, and He is the only one who truly understands what you are feeling. Hugs to you!