There have been times throughout life after Elias that I have wanted a shirt or a sticker or something showing my loss of my son. Something to acknowledge him, something for people to see and know how special he was. However I have come to a conclusion, really life changing conclusion. I do not need a sticker or shirt or sign. My son is in every detail of my life, it just happens to look different then the place my other children hold. He is with me, every day.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Elias birthday is coming up. I want to do something, I have to do something. Not sure how to plan. I tried googling celebrating baby loss birthday but it seems no one writes about this. See its not about the loss that I want to celebrate but for the LIFE.
Life that I choose to give to Elias and not death.
Life that has given me more then I could have ever imagined.
Life that has taught me things about myself that I was too blinded to understand and recognize.
Life that by others saw as in survivable.
Life that has brought together friendships.
Life that impacted others. Some who we will never know about.
Life that has changed my marriage in a way that forces unity, love, appreciation, understanding of our loss and restored connection.
Life that will forever be etched into my soul.
Life that was real. He was born ALIVE!
Life that was created in the image of our Lord and Savior.
Life that can only be given by God.
Life that was created for His glory.
The sadness, the grief, the emptiness, the hurt, the tears, the questions, the anger, the heartache, the anguish, the pain, the sorrow can be overwhelming for some. Those feelings approach and I do allow my tears to fall. I do feel the physical and emotional pain of losing my son. Yet it’s not that those feelings only last a minute its that those feelings come with hope. Hope in my God who is faithful. That He is there for every feeling, every new day. He is there holding me, carrying me, directing me through the work of the spirit. Hope that can never diminish. Never diminish because of my choice to live my life for His glory. Allowing God the victory in every detail.
As I plan for Elias birthday I am not sure what I expect that day to be like. I really wish I knew what and how I was to plan. I know everything will come together. A day filled with celebrating what God has done through a precious life He allowed me to have a privilege of knowing and caring for. I desperately do not want a day about me or Elias death. I want a day knowing we have hope because the price is already paid, the victory has been won.
I have a great team on my side. Be looking for details soon!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
My little boy turns 4 today! Its hard to believe. I have been remembering the day he was born and it feels like yesterday! It was freezing but the sun was shinning so beautifully. He was so little and so sweet. He makes me laugh and my heart grow.
He woke up at 6:30 because he was so excited that it was his birthday. He was confused as to why his pj's still fit because he thought that now that he was four he should have grown:) He loves his little sister and is always looking out for her. Poor Ella is sick today but still loves singing happy birthday to Ethan:) Ethan is writing his name and is so proud of it. He loves going to preschool and playing with his buddy Daniel. Ethan loves to sing and his favorites of lately are a few he learned for his Christmas program; Happy Birthday Jesus, Soft white snow, Jesus Loves me and God is number one. Ethan can sit and play cars/trucks for hours and also loves building. He got a new lego set and Lincoln logs for Christmas that he has been able to use his imagination on. I am always highly impressed with his logical and engineered mind.He is a blessing to our lives and am so thankful for the smiles he brings.
The other night after dinner I had some of my bible study lesson to finish up and decided to sit at the table. The kids wanted to study their bibles with me. It was such a precious time to hear them "reading" their bible and sitting so quietly. Memories to last a lifetime!
We have finally gotten some decent snowfall and been able to play outside a lot. The kids have been loving it! Normally they last about an hour and then we enjoy some hot chocolate! I really do enjoy winter and how beautiful the fresh fallen snow looks.