Wednesday, December 21, 2011

307 days

The last few weeks have been very emotional for me. First walking through this first Christmas season without my son is heart wrenching. I have had a huge sense that someone has been missing from our family. While loading the kids into the car, I make sure I have both kids because I feel like I am missing one; wondering what it would be like to have Elias with us. Getting the kids ready for the day, feeding them breakfast, putting them to sleep. I can remember one year ago singing to Ella and Elias still being in my belly knowing I would never be able to hold and rock him to sleep like my other kids. Knowing that I was going to lose my son, knowing that he most likely would not come home with us. I never expected the pain and heart ache to be this hard. Its hard because he is apart of our family, he has a mommy, daddy, brother and sister who love him and miss him so much. I have struggled with how to acknowledge that without seeming to be overbearing. He has changed my life so much, how could I just move on and not allow others to know I have a son or that Ethan and Ella have a brother? I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me any different-just know that I have a child who is in Heaven and we miss and love him very much. Its hard. Everyones life continues to move on and so does mine but in a different way then before. Its difficult for me to put into words. I never expected to lose a child, to leave a hospital without my newborn son, to bury my own child. 307 days of missing my sweet sweet child. Daily I am trying to navigate my way through this tightrope of beauty and pain. Knowing that everyone will not understand how I feel or that I will truly be able to explain my feelings.

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