We have begun a new project at our house this week of finishing our basement. We have wanted to this for awhile and the dream has come true. I am so excited to see it coming together. We have had such amazing help this week. Corey's dad has been down five days on his week of vacation to help. If not for him this project would not really be possible because we would of had to hire an electrician!!! Our awesome neighbor also came over for a few days and brought all of his tools with him. This made many jobs much much easier. What a blessing for friends and family to be close and willing to help. We are adding a play room, living room, computer nook, and crafting area. It will most likely take awhile to get those rooms all put together but I know it will be worth the wait. I am most excited about the toys getting out of the kids rooms and our upstairs living room.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
We had a fabulous Christmas weekend. We spent Christmas Eve at my moms house and enjoyed a great evening of food, laughs and gifts. Ella was not feeling too well. She has been fighting runny nose/cough for week but the day before Christmas Eve she ran a fever. Despite her not feeling well she was a trooper. We decided to stay home from church since she was not feeling well. The kids did so well opening their gifts Christmas morning. They rotated opening between the two of them, waiting until the other was done before opening another gift. It was so fun to see them get excited and be able to open on their own this year. After good naps we headed to Corey's parents house. The kids have so much fun playing with their cousins. I am disappointed I did not get more pictures.
My grief had been so heavy up until Christmas and I was actually having a little anxiety about the actual days. But thanks to prayers and the peace of the Lord they were great days. I was overjoyed to think of Elias in heaven celebrating and truly had a peace that only my God can bring. I still imagine daily of what our life would be with a 10 month old crawling around and what joy and blessing he would be bringing our life. Missing him physically but knowing my heart is blessed by being able to be called his mother. Knowing he has changed me even though he is not here with me. He holds a place in my soul that belongs only to him. Love you sweet Elias.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The last few weeks have been very emotional for me. First walking through this first Christmas season without my son is heart wrenching. I have had a huge sense that someone has been missing from our family. While loading the kids into the car, I make sure I have both kids because I feel like I am missing one; wondering what it would be like to have Elias with us. Getting the kids ready for the day, feeding them breakfast, putting them to sleep. I can remember one year ago singing to Ella and Elias still being in my belly knowing I would never be able to hold and rock him to sleep like my other kids. Knowing that I was going to lose my son, knowing that he most likely would not come home with us. I never expected the pain and heart ache to be this hard. Its hard because he is apart of our family, he has a mommy, daddy, brother and sister who love him and miss him so much. I have struggled with how to acknowledge that without seeming to be overbearing. He has changed my life so much, how could I just move on and not allow others to know I have a son or that Ethan and Ella have a brother? I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me any different-just know that I have a child who is in Heaven and we miss and love him very much. Its hard. Everyones life continues to move on and so does mine but in a different way then before. Its difficult for me to put into words. I never expected to lose a child, to leave a hospital without my newborn son, to bury my own child. 307 days of missing my sweet sweet child. Daily I am trying to navigate my way through this tightrope of beauty and pain. Knowing that everyone will not understand how I feel or that I will truly be able to explain my feelings.
I have some amazing friends. They have supported me, loved me and encouraged me whenever I needed it. I know that Elias' life has had a huge impact on each of these ladies and am so blessed to be able see that. I have received these special ornaments for my baby boy. Ornaments that allow me to acknowledge my son in a way that I was unable to before. He is Forever in our hearts, as the back of the blue bulb reads but he will be forever home with his Heavenly Father. I bet he will have an amazing Christmas.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Ethan and Ella have really started to like helping out in the kitchen. We baked cookies last Sunday. They had a blast and stuck around until the very end because that is when I let them taste the spoons:) We made Peanut Butter Blossoms and they unwrapped all of the hershey kisses. I am going to try to start adding baking in to our craft time during the week. It took a little longer and was a little messier but was a great time! Also Ella tried on my shoes, she just thinks she is so big!