Friday, November 18, 2011

Today-9 months

Today the memories and heartache of the last year have weighed heavy on my heart. Its really hard to put into words how the loss can tumble over me when I think I am going strong. There are so many emotions. Its hard to believe that one year ago I had Elias in my belly. Tossing, kicking, moving all around. We were praying our way through the unexpected. I never expected this journey to be so hard at times. Today I hope for so many things
Just a few more kisses.
Just a few more snuggles.
One more minute, hour, day...
For him to be here on this Earth.
Celebrating his firsts of everything to come. Nine months brings so many milestones. Decorating for the Holidays, tree trimming. As I watch my other kids hang ornaments I imagine a curious little boy crawling around trying to get whatever his big brother and sister have. Missing Elias in a way I have not felt. We have been through Easter/Mothers Day but Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to important and he is not here. My tears are many today. I looked through lots of pictures and we have a about ten short (10 second) videos of him. I saw things today for the first time. One video is right after he is born and you can see him breathing, his chest moving up and down, I never really saw that part. I think I was concentrating more on his body as a whole. He was alive. Can you think if I had terminated as the doctor recommended? Not ever giving him a chance at life? I can not! There was another video of us giving him a bath. I remember being so nervous I was going to hurt him but today I did not see nervous. I saw a mommy who loved her baby boy and was giving him his first bath. There is another video of us dressing him, weighing him and Corey rocking and praying over him. It feels like an out of body experince watching those videos. That was me, by the grace of God, having joy and laughter, at a time that maybe some would be heartbroken. Truth is I was heartbroken and still am but having the protection, peace, hope, love and promises of our Heavenly Father gave me that joy. He takes care of his flock. He gives them exactly what they need, at the right time, exactly what is best for them. He knows me. He is my Sheppard and I am of his flock. That is all I need to know. All of this heartache, tears, emptiness; really I can not find a word to describe how much I love my son and wish he were here. But the amazing thing is Our God already knows that!
Psalm 23- Familiar but Oh so comforting!
" The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD


Cory, Beth, and Izabella said...

I am so glad that you have those precious videos to watch. Praying for you and sending hugs!

Me said...

I had no idea that you have those videos. Another of God's many blessings -- and to look back and see things for the first time? INCREDIBLE! My heart is aching with yours, and yet I can't even begin to comprehend what you're feeling. I just thank God for keeping you in His Hand... For being air in your lungs... And for holding sweet Elias until you get to again. xo