Friday, November 18, 2011

Today-9 months

Today the memories and heartache of the last year have weighed heavy on my heart. Its really hard to put into words how the loss can tumble over me when I think I am going strong. There are so many emotions. Its hard to believe that one year ago I had Elias in my belly. Tossing, kicking, moving all around. We were praying our way through the unexpected. I never expected this journey to be so hard at times. Today I hope for so many things
Just a few more kisses.
Just a few more snuggles.
One more minute, hour, day...
For him to be here on this Earth.
Celebrating his firsts of everything to come. Nine months brings so many milestones. Decorating for the Holidays, tree trimming. As I watch my other kids hang ornaments I imagine a curious little boy crawling around trying to get whatever his big brother and sister have. Missing Elias in a way I have not felt. We have been through Easter/Mothers Day but Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to important and he is not here. My tears are many today. I looked through lots of pictures and we have a about ten short (10 second) videos of him. I saw things today for the first time. One video is right after he is born and you can see him breathing, his chest moving up and down, I never really saw that part. I think I was concentrating more on his body as a whole. He was alive. Can you think if I had terminated as the doctor recommended? Not ever giving him a chance at life? I can not! There was another video of us giving him a bath. I remember being so nervous I was going to hurt him but today I did not see nervous. I saw a mommy who loved her baby boy and was giving him his first bath. There is another video of us dressing him, weighing him and Corey rocking and praying over him. It feels like an out of body experince watching those videos. That was me, by the grace of God, having joy and laughter, at a time that maybe some would be heartbroken. Truth is I was heartbroken and still am but having the protection, peace, hope, love and promises of our Heavenly Father gave me that joy. He takes care of his flock. He gives them exactly what they need, at the right time, exactly what is best for them. He knows me. He is my Sheppard and I am of his flock. That is all I need to know. All of this heartache, tears, emptiness; really I can not find a word to describe how much I love my son and wish he were here. But the amazing thing is Our God already knows that!
Psalm 23- Familiar but Oh so comforting!
" The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Thursday, November 3, 2011


We finally got Ella's two year pictures done! Ella and Ethan did amazing!!! I brought Ethan along so I could get some brother and sister shots (those are hidden until Christmas card time). Ethan wanted to get in on some single shots. He is so silly, I just love him to pieces. Ella did great listening to the photographer and posing. I love getting our pictures done what great memories.
At Ella's two year check up,which was also over a month behind, she weighed in at 24lbs 3oz (11th percentile) and was 35 1/2 inches tall (85th percentile). She is growing up so fast!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Pregnancy Care Center Niles Banquet

I had a huge honor of being asked to share my testimony/story of carrying Elias at the Pregnancy Care Center Niles annual fundraiser banquet. These types of things I NEVER thought I would be able to do. However I am learning to never say never:) It was a huge blessing to be able to share how Elias' life mattered. The theme for the night was Every Life Mattered; how fitting. I was very nervous but once I started talking it just flowed. Its a story that only my heart can tell and I find that I am at ease sharing about my little guys life. I am so humbled that God choose ME to be his mommy. I continue to be in awe of how God is allowing me to grow and share through my sons life almost nine months later!


It was hard for me to even find a title for this post. Final, Moments, Reality...Finally Elias' headstone has arrived. Moments that make my loss so real. Reality that I have a loss. So many feelings and emotions. I did find joy in seeing his headstone placed. I was nervous it would not arrive before the ground froze. I wanted so badly for his headstone to be there. It seemed like the least I could was have his "place" correctly marked. Its the mommy in me to want to take care of my child who is not here with me. Its hard because I know he is in the most majestic of places where this event is not a big deal but having his marker was a great feeling. A feeling like Elias was our child, he was here on Earth with us and he meant something. He left a mark on so many hearts and lives-we are forever changed!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Miss Ella

Ella has begun to love to dress up. She loves purses, necklaces and SHOES! She also has a new love for pockets. She thinks she is so big that she can find her pockets and walks around with her hands in them all the time. She is lovable, silly, smiley girl!

Pumpkin Carving

Last week we carved our pumpkins. This we started sharing the pumpkin gospel with our kids. Its a great children's story that tells of how we can have renewed life with God. How God transforms us into beautiful new creations to shine for Him. It made the evening purposeful by having a Christ centered focus. Ella loved cleaning out the pumpkin; while Ethan enjoyed painting is mini pumpkin.

First Tea Party

Ella got her first tea set for her birthday this year. The kids have been playing with it but a few weeks ago we pretended to have a real tea party-with water. The kids thought it was so fun to drink the water out of the tea cups. Ethan was a willing participant. He liked the pretzels and drinking from the tea cup too:)!

Field Trip

Ethan started preschool this Fall and we had his first field trip to Thistleberry Farms in South Bend. It was a beautiful day. We did a corn maze, jumped on the huge jumping pillow and picked pumpkins while on a hay ride. Ella was able to join in on the fun too! Ethan is loving school and looks forward to school days.