Tuesday, August 23, 2011

17 hours and 4 minutes

Those hours that Elias was here with us on earth was a magnificent moment in my life I will never forget. Those hours, his life have laid something on my heart that can never be erased. I had a great opportunity to go away this last weekend with my closest girlfriends to a Woman of Faith conference. Right after Elias passed away I found out that Angie Smith was going to be speaking and I HAD to go. Angie's blog and book have been a huge encouragement to my walk, you can read about her story here.
This weekend was awesome and brought so much light and inspiration to a heart that was being torn and broken by grief. This summer as I have been learning to walk the journey of grief I knew there was something grand on the other side but I needed to walk through the grief first. As I tried to ignore my feelings of sadness and emptiness I soon learned that those coping mechanisms would not work. So I took the first step and shared what was really on my heart with my hubby and two close friends a few weeks ago. I had been praying that God would help me resolve those issues but knew I must physically speak those words to help the healing begin. As I took that step I knew that God was preparing my soul for healing and restoration. I never could of imagined the dreams and goals He would lay on my heart. Who knew that 17 hours and 4 minutes of an earthly life would make such a statement felt and heard across so many lives! I am not sure where those dreams and goals will take me but I do know that I am allowing my Heavenly Father to be the one leading me down the path!!!
"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk. For I lift up my soul to You." Psalm 143:8

Thursday, August 18, 2011

6 months

It has been six months since I held this little hand.
Six months of sadness.
Six months of tears.
Six months of discoveries.
Six months of missing my sweet little boy.
Six months of wondering what was next.
Six months of emotions.
Six months of empty arms.
Six months of an empty heart.
Six months of missing milestones.
Six months of getting stronger.
Six months of my faith being tested at times.
Six months of learning how to share my heart.
Six months of learning to let go and pray.
Six months of hope.
Six months of never forgetting.
Missing Elias in my arms today. I hurt because he is gone but I rejoice because he was here.
"Weep Not. Pray to God with all your heart. To pray often is almost to conquer." ~Gustavus

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Busy and Growing

There has been so much going on the last month. I can not believe that it has been this long since I have written.
First I have been potty training Miss Ella since the week after the 4th of July and it just clicked with her last week. Whew!!! Glad I did not give up like I had wanted to do. We are still working on it but I think she pretty much has it. We had tried in May because she had shown some interest but it was disastrous after the first week so I decided to wait a few more weeks. Now no diapers in our house except at nighttime, kind of weird. I have been changing diapers for almost the last four years. On to new adventures!
Second we had family in town the last week of July. It is always great to see my uncle, aunt and all the cousins. We always have a great time together; eating, laughing, shopping. Its a fun filled week and always sad to see them go back home to Missouri.
Thirdly we have been just plan busy with other summer stuff from birthday parties, showers, working, and a huge landscape project. Back in June we decided to do some landscaping around house so that we could also do a memorial area for Elias. We had been given some gift certificates to buy plants in his memory. We have finally got the 20 ton of rock moved around the entire house, concrete borders put in and plants on the sides and back of the house. We just need to purchase plants for the front. Elias memorial area will be in the front of our house as you walk in by the sidewalk. I am so excited to be planting in memory of him, to see something grow. I will have to post some pictures when we are done. Hopefully that will be before winter:):)
Fourthly...I think it has scared me to write whats been going on in my life and heart. Struggling to navigate my way of a new normal. Understanding how our sweet child is in Heaven and not with us. I know that this was God's plan for our family and I am completely truthful in saying that I do not question God's will for his life. We have been blessed abundantly with many different forms of blessings that have come from carrying and losing our sweet Elias. However I would give it all back to have that sweet boy in my arms. To have the child I am longing be him, not any other. I know that I am becoming stronger in my convictions and purpose of my life through this last struggle of understanding. I continue to seek God's wisdom and direction that only He can provide. Elias has been called home by the one that loved him most. I hold on to that hope. I am at a turning point in my grief and I refuse to let Satan get the best of me. Praying my life is one that is reflective of his love, mercy and grace.
"And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." Psalm 39:7