Friday, July 1, 2011

Where I am at

The last week or so has been very emotional. I have been unable to express to any one person just how I am feeling. It seems I am just trying to figure out how to move on. How to move on to our life without our son. I want so easily to talk about Elias and share his life with others but usually I find myself in tears. Knowing that the tears come when I talk about him I don't. There have been at least three times when asked how many children I have and the door has been left open for me to be specific but I have not walked through. It seems I have been unable to speak the words. The hurt is to real to simply say that we lost our son in February, so I leave it with Ethan and Ella. I feel guilty about not telling people that we have a third child. Guilty because he is my baby and nothing about that will ever change. Guilty because it feels like I have done him an injustice. Guilty because I wish I had the courage. I have heard so many other moms struggle with this same simple issue, I never knew it would be so hard. I do not want people to feel sorry for me or feel like they have brought up something they should not have.
I am trying to navigate through this walk of grief in what sometimes feels like I am alone. I read lots of blogs and books and find myself easily relating to them. However, days and weeks when the overwhelming feeling that everyone has moved on but me is heart wrenching.
I am at a place where I am wondering what is next. It seems we spent the last year in a whirlwind that there has to be something else coming but there is not. There are some speaking and ministry opportunities coming my way that I am really seeking where God can best use His story.
There is nothing that can fill the hole in my heart that was put there by Elias. There is no amount of time that will make me love him or miss him less.

1 comment:

Jeffrey and Tiffany said...

I am still praying for you Jess! I know God is going to you use and cont to comfort you. I miss you and wish I could give you a great big hug!