Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Forever Framed

Above are five of our favorite pictures that Eileen from Traditions Photography took for us. She did an amazing job. Every time I look at these photos I am so thankful for her and willingness to take pictures for a woman she did not know. I think Eileen and I are bonded together for sharing those moments during pregnancy and labor and delivery together.
Our house is not very big so the wall we had to work with is very small but it worked out perfect. The frame is in the perfect place, you can see it from the dinning room and living room but its not the focal point. Someday I will have a little nook that is dedicated to him. It will have a big comfy rocking chair (like a mother should for their child) for praying, reading, quiet time or whatever your heart desires. It will have this picture on the wall with a few shelves displaying so many things I wish I had room for now. Also some sort of anitquish chest to put everything that belongs to Elias. Sounds awesome:)! Just a little day dream in there:)
Corey and I talked lots about what to do with the pictures. I put together a photo album of 300 pictures, there were over 700! We decided on getting a special frame from Eileen to display in our house. I wanted something special and unique for him. Corey and I picked out our pictures and what we liked for framing. Once our pictures were in we needed to go in and decide for sure. I had let Eileen know what our budget was and she said she could work with it. Well I knew what I picked out we could not afford but with Eileen knowing what our budget was she would figure something out. Well when I went in to the store to pick out our frame I found out that some very very dear friends of ours helped to cover the cost of what we picked out. I was amazed, humbled and teary eyed. This frame for Elias is probably one of the most expensive things I own. It is so beautiful. I love being able to look over and see his beauty. Instantly remembering how sweet his life was and how deeply affected I have been by such a tiny life. Remembering that every life matters. Having yet to question God's will for Elias' life. Seeing his picture in our house reminds my kids of a brother they will never know until one glorious day when we are all together again. Reminding me of a child that went to the One that loves him more then I ever could. Knowing that we made the right choice to carry our sweet baby until he was ready to meet us. Reminding me that Elias will never be forgotten. He is forever framed in my memory, heart and life. Missing you sweet child of mine.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Where I am at

The last week or so has been very emotional. I have been unable to express to any one person just how I am feeling. It seems I am just trying to figure out how to move on. How to move on to our life without our son. I want so easily to talk about Elias and share his life with others but usually I find myself in tears. Knowing that the tears come when I talk about him I don't. There have been at least three times when asked how many children I have and the door has been left open for me to be specific but I have not walked through. It seems I have been unable to speak the words. The hurt is to real to simply say that we lost our son in February, so I leave it with Ethan and Ella. I feel guilty about not telling people that we have a third child. Guilty because he is my baby and nothing about that will ever change. Guilty because it feels like I have done him an injustice. Guilty because I wish I had the courage. I have heard so many other moms struggle with this same simple issue, I never knew it would be so hard. I do not want people to feel sorry for me or feel like they have brought up something they should not have.
I am trying to navigate through this walk of grief in what sometimes feels like I am alone. I read lots of blogs and books and find myself easily relating to them. However, days and weeks when the overwhelming feeling that everyone has moved on but me is heart wrenching.
I am at a place where I am wondering what is next. It seems we spent the last year in a whirlwind that there has to be something else coming but there is not. There are some speaking and ministry opportunities coming my way that I am really seeking where God can best use His story.
There is nothing that can fill the hole in my heart that was put there by Elias. There is no amount of time that will make me love him or miss him less.