Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Uninformed

Before finding out about Elias' diagnosis I was so uninformed. I had actually read Angie Smith's blog while pregnant with Ethan and remember crying, well actually sobbing, while reading her post. I was pregnant with a beautiful healthy little boy and she was walking down the path of carrying her sweet Audrey. It did not seem fair. The day we found out about Elias her blog was one of the first places I sought out for comfort. Even though our children carried different conditions, we both lost our babies too soon. She knew how I was feeling, she had carried her baby unlike the doctors recommended. Throughout my pregnancy I found lots of baby loss mama's blogs and would read for hours. I now only follow a few because I can become wrapped up in reading for a whole evening if I let myself:) Anyways, I learn of babies weekly, sometimes daily, who are with us for only a short time because of fatal conditions. Before Elias came into my life, I had no idea there were so many woman who have walked this journey of losing an infant. That sounds so naive and yes I knew that infant loss existed but not on the level I do today. There are so many moms walking the road of carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis that they will only be able to hold for a short time. My heart is broken for them. I know how they feel. I wish I could take the pain away for them. I wish I could make their road, their story take a turn for the better. Those are my wishes, my hopes, my pain, my heartache, my selfishness. However there is someone already navigating their story, their is already a driver. We are only along for the ride. What will we make of it? My prayer for each of these woman and myself is that we would allow our Heavenly Father to be our driver, be our shield, our protector, our light when all we can see is darkness.
"For You are my lamp, O Lord; The Lord shall enlighten my darkness." 2 Samuel 22:29
This last Saturday Corey and I celebrated 7 years of marriage! It seems like just yesterday we were getting married. We have grown so much in the last 10 years, its crazy how time flies. Sunday we enjoyed dinner out and got our grocery shopping done. I only shop twice a month and it is a task. We are up to two carts and it is nice to have someone to help me. Its off the list at least for another few weeks:) Monday we headed to the zoo, enjoyed a picnic lunch and visited the cemetery. Elias was in need of some new flowers. The white silk flowers were worn but I was really surprised at how long they actually lasted. We placed sweet baby blue flowers, which I love. The cemetery looked beautiful, there were so many flowers. Memorial Day weekend is like "opening" day so there were lots of people out cleaning up, putting out new flowers and flags. Its my story, its my families story of visiting the cemetery frequently. I was a little bit older but I remember visits to the cemetery with my Mom and as I got older to visit my Dad, its a part of life. My kids love to go and it always brings up sweet, loving, heavenly conversation which I do not believe would happen if Elias were not there. I am reminded of a verse in Isaiah that was shared with me after Elias had passed. "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days..." Isaiah 65:20 He was so small, so sweet and it was too soon but am joyful at what eternity has in store!
P.S. In August a few girlfriends and I are headed to Indy to see Angie and some other amazing women at a Woman of Faith conference. I am so excited, we have floor seats! I am looking forward to seeing her in person and hear from her what God has been doing in her life.

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