Monday, June 13, 2011

June 13th 2010

One year ago today we found out we were expecting another baby.
I struggle to type these words because it seems so unreal that it was a year ago.
I feel so guilty because I knew how I felt when I saw the test go positive. If I only knew that day what was to come. I was in disbelief, shocked and unexpected. I think I took about five more test in the days to come. I was not ready to have another baby. I still had a baby, really two:) But like my friend said, God knew what he was doing a year ago. It was a busy Sunday the day I took the test. I remember Corey saying you are wasting your time and money, there is no way. I took the test because I was just not feeling "right". I had never really been sick with my two other pregnancies and was not sick but something just felt off. Well obviously there was a way. Reality was becoming clear that YES I WAS PREGNANT. We waited a few days to tell a couple of close friends. I needed their prayer and support that I could be a mommy of three under three. I was not sure I had it in me. As I was being encouraged by friends I decided to share with our family. I think everyone was surprised as we were. Over the next few weeks we just began to soak in what our new family might look like. Well looking back now we were so naive. We just expected to have a healthy baby and to be able to bring him home with us. What I thought this summer would be like with a new little one is nothing of that. Instead we are grieving our little sweet baby boy who never made it home with his earthly family but who is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father. I was seriously worked up over having another child. I feel guilty today because I can not even imagine having those thoughts again. Taking for granted a healthy baby. Being so selfish worrying about me and not what a blessing this child was and is. I feel guilty because I can not believe I felt that way. We had somewhat struggled to get pregnant with Ethan, trying for over two years. I knew how sad I felt when others became pregnant so easily and here I am easily pregnant with baby number three allowing myself to feel pity for me. Well God had big things to teach me through this new little one. If only I had known on that day and weeks following that positive pregnancy test what I knew today the negative feelings I had over precious life would never have been. But you know? That is part of my story with Elias. Before I even knew that he would never make it home to live with us, for me to care for him, raise him God was pulling me closer to Him for what was in store in the months ahead.
"Blessed be the Lord, Because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." Psalm 28:6-7

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