Saturday, June 18, 2011

4 months

My sweet baby boy would have been 4 months old today!!!
I would of been looking forward to his check up to see how much he had grown, he would be working on sitting up, getting into more of a schedule, smiling and starting to babble. I am incredibly heartbroken because he is not here. I wanted to take him to his four month check up. I wanted to be the one to nurture and love him. I did not want to say goodbye that soon. It seems its hard to find the words today. I am speechless with heartache. My God choose me to be his mommy, something I do not regret. God choose my family to walk this journey, something I sometimes wish was not me. I choose to let my God hold my hand through this entire journey, just when I was twisting and turning for Him to loosen His grip, he held tighter. My only hope is that through this devastation to me that someone could see my hope and faith. I am not sure when I am really going to ever get over losing Elias but I think I am managing to keep going. I focus a lot on what we as a family have going on-down to the five loads of laundry I did today. Its the little things that keep me going.
I am constantly thinking about babies and if we are going to have more or not. Sometimes I let the thought consume me. I feel so sad to think I would never experience a baby turning and kicking in my belly, that I would never hold a sweet newborn baby of my own again. I worry that Ethan and Ella would not remain close throughout life and it is only the two of them. However there are so many moments that cup is so fully and completely blessed with the three children that the Lord has already given me, why change that? I am not sure what God has in store for us but He knows and as I let my thoughts of worry or sadness fill my mind I return to the One who has made me. Who knows how many hairs are on my head, who knitted me perfectly in my mothers womb, who has lead me to a life of redemption!

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