Saturday, June 18, 2011

Its always coming

There are certain days that can bring my grief, my sadness, my heartache right up to the surface where it feels like Elias was just here yesterday. There is an 18th in every month which reminds me of the day he was born. There is always a Friday in every week which I can remember the day he was with us like it is today. There are songs, scriptures, places and pictures that I can see or hear everyday but then there are times when those things take my breath and my words away. They take me to a place where I am holding my sweet baby and having to let go. I am so overcome with tears and sadness. No matter how "good" I think I am doing and how time is starting to heal my wound it is easily ripped right open to start all over again. Elias has a part of my heart just like any child does with their mother. He was a part of me, from me and Corey. Its seems too complex to even comprehend sometimes. I continue to hope in the Lord, to hold onto to his promises and his faithfulness.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. " 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

4 months

My sweet baby boy would have been 4 months old today!!!
I would of been looking forward to his check up to see how much he had grown, he would be working on sitting up, getting into more of a schedule, smiling and starting to babble. I am incredibly heartbroken because he is not here. I wanted to take him to his four month check up. I wanted to be the one to nurture and love him. I did not want to say goodbye that soon. It seems its hard to find the words today. I am speechless with heartache. My God choose me to be his mommy, something I do not regret. God choose my family to walk this journey, something I sometimes wish was not me. I choose to let my God hold my hand through this entire journey, just when I was twisting and turning for Him to loosen His grip, he held tighter. My only hope is that through this devastation to me that someone could see my hope and faith. I am not sure when I am really going to ever get over losing Elias but I think I am managing to keep going. I focus a lot on what we as a family have going on-down to the five loads of laundry I did today. Its the little things that keep me going.
I am constantly thinking about babies and if we are going to have more or not. Sometimes I let the thought consume me. I feel so sad to think I would never experience a baby turning and kicking in my belly, that I would never hold a sweet newborn baby of my own again. I worry that Ethan and Ella would not remain close throughout life and it is only the two of them. However there are so many moments that cup is so fully and completely blessed with the three children that the Lord has already given me, why change that? I am not sure what God has in store for us but He knows and as I let my thoughts of worry or sadness fill my mind I return to the One who has made me. Who knows how many hairs are on my head, who knitted me perfectly in my mothers womb, who has lead me to a life of redemption!

Monday, June 13, 2011

June 13th 2010

One year ago today we found out we were expecting another baby.
I struggle to type these words because it seems so unreal that it was a year ago.
I feel so guilty because I knew how I felt when I saw the test go positive. If I only knew that day what was to come. I was in disbelief, shocked and unexpected. I think I took about five more test in the days to come. I was not ready to have another baby. I still had a baby, really two:) But like my friend said, God knew what he was doing a year ago. It was a busy Sunday the day I took the test. I remember Corey saying you are wasting your time and money, there is no way. I took the test because I was just not feeling "right". I had never really been sick with my two other pregnancies and was not sick but something just felt off. Well obviously there was a way. Reality was becoming clear that YES I WAS PREGNANT. We waited a few days to tell a couple of close friends. I needed their prayer and support that I could be a mommy of three under three. I was not sure I had it in me. As I was being encouraged by friends I decided to share with our family. I think everyone was surprised as we were. Over the next few weeks we just began to soak in what our new family might look like. Well looking back now we were so naive. We just expected to have a healthy baby and to be able to bring him home with us. What I thought this summer would be like with a new little one is nothing of that. Instead we are grieving our little sweet baby boy who never made it home with his earthly family but who is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father. I was seriously worked up over having another child. I feel guilty today because I can not even imagine having those thoughts again. Taking for granted a healthy baby. Being so selfish worrying about me and not what a blessing this child was and is. I feel guilty because I can not believe I felt that way. We had somewhat struggled to get pregnant with Ethan, trying for over two years. I knew how sad I felt when others became pregnant so easily and here I am easily pregnant with baby number three allowing myself to feel pity for me. Well God had big things to teach me through this new little one. If only I had known on that day and weeks following that positive pregnancy test what I knew today the negative feelings I had over precious life would never have been. But you know? That is part of my story with Elias. Before I even knew that he would never make it home to live with us, for me to care for him, raise him God was pulling me closer to Him for what was in store in the months ahead.
"Blessed be the Lord, Because He has heard the voice of my supplications! The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." Psalm 28:6-7

Friday, June 10, 2011

Beauty of the Cross

I am in love with this song. No matter what I need to let go of; my previous life, my grief, my bitterness towards people, my entire sin nature He finds grace in me just as I am. He found it fit to suffer, to bleed, to hurt for me. I am so unworthy and all I can do is praise Him and live for Him with my entire being. And no matter where I am in my life, letting go of whatever it is, he comes right next to me to walk, to cry, to hold my hand through. It is true beauty.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Okay

We are here chugging along. I have been sleeping better the last two or so weeks which is awesome. I have been able to get into that deep sleep almost every night. Huge answer to prayer. I think I am a much happier mom, wife and friend:)
Last weekend I spent the weekend with my two older sisters and mom for a girls weekend. We do not celebrate birthdays anymore so we try to do a fun day/weekend throughout the year. I love this idea. We went to Pokagon State Park in Angola. We frequented this place growing up and we had so many memories going back. We shopped all day Friday, for like 7 1/2 hours straight! Relaxed in the hot tub Friday night. Saturday morning we woke up and went for a morning run, came back for breakfast and then enjoyed a nice long hike. After our hike we came back and relaxed a little before heading out to paddle boat. We came back to our room, showered and relaxed for a couple of hours. We played some euchre, read and just relaxed. We ate dinner at a nice restaurant and then came back and scrap booked. I finished Ella's scrapbook up until she was a year old! It was a nice relaxing time. I am so thankful for Corey willing to let me go and hang out with our kids.
I got awesome news yesterday morning about Elias' memorial money that was giving to our church's children's ministry department. We found out that with this money our church has already begun to purchase and put in place a new security system for our kids. I am super excited about this. Knowing our kids will be safe and parents can feel at peace leaving their kids in our children's ministry. My heart melted all day yesterday thinking about how my sweet little son will impact a whole lot of kids and families. I miss Elias, I think of him often. But I am okay. I am okay with Elias dancing in Heaven. In reality its a much better life then I could of ever have imagined for my little boy. In Heaven with the one that loves him most, made perfect, made whole! Grief is a funny thing. The last few weeks I have been doing "better" whatever that really means. Its getting easier to understand and comprehend that my son died but there are these moments when the heartache and sadness seem to overtake. Sometimes it last a few minuets or hours but joy and peace fill the ache. We are walking up this valley with the good Lord on our side.
"For You have delivered my soul from death. Have You not kept my feet from falling. That I may walk before God in the light of the living?" Psalm 56:13

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Uninformed

Before finding out about Elias' diagnosis I was so uninformed. I had actually read Angie Smith's blog while pregnant with Ethan and remember crying, well actually sobbing, while reading her post. I was pregnant with a beautiful healthy little boy and she was walking down the path of carrying her sweet Audrey. It did not seem fair. The day we found out about Elias her blog was one of the first places I sought out for comfort. Even though our children carried different conditions, we both lost our babies too soon. She knew how I was feeling, she had carried her baby unlike the doctors recommended. Throughout my pregnancy I found lots of baby loss mama's blogs and would read for hours. I now only follow a few because I can become wrapped up in reading for a whole evening if I let myself:) Anyways, I learn of babies weekly, sometimes daily, who are with us for only a short time because of fatal conditions. Before Elias came into my life, I had no idea there were so many woman who have walked this journey of losing an infant. That sounds so naive and yes I knew that infant loss existed but not on the level I do today. There are so many moms walking the road of carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis that they will only be able to hold for a short time. My heart is broken for them. I know how they feel. I wish I could take the pain away for them. I wish I could make their road, their story take a turn for the better. Those are my wishes, my hopes, my pain, my heartache, my selfishness. However there is someone already navigating their story, their is already a driver. We are only along for the ride. What will we make of it? My prayer for each of these woman and myself is that we would allow our Heavenly Father to be our driver, be our shield, our protector, our light when all we can see is darkness.
"For You are my lamp, O Lord; The Lord shall enlighten my darkness." 2 Samuel 22:29
This last Saturday Corey and I celebrated 7 years of marriage! It seems like just yesterday we were getting married. We have grown so much in the last 10 years, its crazy how time flies. Sunday we enjoyed dinner out and got our grocery shopping done. I only shop twice a month and it is a task. We are up to two carts and it is nice to have someone to help me. Its off the list at least for another few weeks:) Monday we headed to the zoo, enjoyed a picnic lunch and visited the cemetery. Elias was in need of some new flowers. The white silk flowers were worn but I was really surprised at how long they actually lasted. We placed sweet baby blue flowers, which I love. The cemetery looked beautiful, there were so many flowers. Memorial Day weekend is like "opening" day so there were lots of people out cleaning up, putting out new flowers and flags. Its my story, its my families story of visiting the cemetery frequently. I was a little bit older but I remember visits to the cemetery with my Mom and as I got older to visit my Dad, its a part of life. My kids love to go and it always brings up sweet, loving, heavenly conversation which I do not believe would happen if Elias were not there. I am reminded of a verse in Isaiah that was shared with me after Elias had passed. "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days..." Isaiah 65:20 He was so small, so sweet and it was too soon but am joyful at what eternity has in store!
P.S. In August a few girlfriends and I are headed to Indy to see Angie and some other amazing women at a Woman of Faith conference. I am so excited, we have floor seats! I am looking forward to seeing her in person and hear from her what God has been doing in her life.