Its amazing how the reality that we lost our sweet son just a mere 11 weeks ago can come raging up without any notice. Today it happened. I knew we were going to visit the cemetery today, I know I always cry but today was different. I missed last week because as I prepared for the spring tea talk and everything else going on I was not able to get there. Today my arms ache in a way I have never felt. Today I relive the few hours right before he passed.
I could not decide what I wanted for dinner from the hospital. As I contemplated my sisters, mom, Corey and I decided to order out. I decided Rulli's sounded excellent, what comfort food. As we ate dinner we just enjoyed the company of Elias in our arms. He had been so peaceful all day long; eyes shut, no cries, not really any movement. The only time he really moved was when we tried to put a new hat on him and when bathing him. As night entered I kept thinking how I thought I never would have had this much time with our son. It had been such a peaceful day. We were planning on taking him home the following day if he was still with us. I think I was a little naive or not really allowing myself to know that he would soon be gone. I just kept loving him and holding him as if he were to never leave us. My sisters and mom were going to head home, it had been a long day and an early morning. As I went to go wash my face, brush my teeth, try to get cleaned up there started to be a change in Elias. His left eye had started to open just a little bit but still no movement or cries. At that moment I could feel my heart starting to break. I took him from my sister who had been holding him and just started to rock him and hold him tight. My mom and sisters left the room. The nurse had checked his heart rate at around 9:15 and it was 93. It had been in the 120's all day and we knew it would soon be time for him to be in Jesus' arms. As I held Elias with Corey right by my side. We just prayed and sang. Around 10:15 Elias started to have little spasms. I just held him a little tighter, cried a little more, prayed harder that these seizures/spasms were causing no suffering, sang a little louder. His left eye was still opened. During this hour Elias only had maybe six or so seizures, can not remember for sure. But what I do remember for sure is holding his perfect little body in my arms, trying to make it easier or better for him. Around 11:10 ish the nurse checked his heart rate again and it was down to 43. We continued to pray, sing and adore him. Around 11:25 Elias' had another seizure but this seizure ended with a smile. A real smile from a sweet little boy who had shown no other facial expressions throughout the day. At that moment Corey and I knew he had run into Jesus arms, that he was made whole, made perfect. We called the nurse and she confirmed that there was no longer a heart beat. A second nurse came in and listened, there was no heartbeat. I held him in my arms all night. One thing I have always enjoyed with my little newborn babies is to nap with them. Well during the day when Elias was with us I did not have the chance to nap with him but I did now. We made phone calls, said goodbye to my sisters and mom and settled in for the night. I held him, rested well with him in my arms. My journey had not ended as Elias passed but it some sense it was just the beginning.