Friday, April 1, 2011

Not Much

Not much going on here in the Barnes house. After starting the week on the "wrong" foot, the rest of the week seemed to go better. Tuesday we visited Elias, went to great grandma's house, took Corey out for lunch; and enjoyed some playtime outside. Wednesday my awesome mother in law came down to watch the kids so I could do some much needed errand running. Our last meal was Monday, so we desperately needed groceries and I needed some alone time. It was such a blessing to receive meals for over a month, but good to get back into the routine of life. Thursday we spent cleaning and playing outside. And today we ran a few errands, visited Elias, and played inside.

I am not sure if it was because we visited Elias twice this week or because Ethan is continuing to process all of this; but he had lots of questions today leaving the cemetery. He wondered why if Elias was not sick anymore why can he not come home? Why are all these other people here (as in other headstones)? Are they all in heaven? Will Elias always be here? Can we just take him home now? My heart breaks when Ethan gets confused. It does not seem permanent to him, but I continue to try to explain that if he decides to accept the Lord into his heart that he will go to heaven when he dies and will then see Elias not sick anymore. It breaks my heart that Ethan is going through all of this, but at the same time how awesome that because of losing my son, his brother he is wanting to know for sure how to meet Jesus and Elias again for sure. There is a HUGE blessing in that.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my ob office letting me know that more test results came back from the tissue sample they took, and there were some genetic issues. I spoke with a nurse and she could not really tell me what it all meant except that we should come in to talk to the doctor about the report. It was kind of a shock to get the phone call because at my post partum appointment it seemed that there was not conclusive evidence for Elias condition, but now that has changed. I was okay with not having a reason for Elias condition except that God choose us for Elias parents. Not that this has been taken out of Gods hands but it seems there might be a reason. Not sure how I feel or think about that. Corey and I are still praying to know God's will as to whether we will have more children or not. We have decided in the short term to wait and see what the Lord does in our hearts and lives. Knowing we have a higher chance of having another child with a birth defect or other issue will not influence our decision or at least that is my prayer. I pray that God will give us discernment and guidance in this area.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks and months pass we are reminded of our sweet Elias. From the phone call from the ob, a hard day or getting an invitation to a support group for moms who have lost their babies; it will never be the same. We love and miss you sweet Elias!

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