Monday, April 25, 2011

Poem

We received this poem with a donation to Elias memorial fund at church. Beautiful are the only words I have!

I'm just a little baby,
Who could not stay with you there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't fret about me Daddy and Mommy,
I'm with of all God's blessed.
I'd have loved to stay there with you,
But our Heavenly Father knows what's best.

Some things I'd to say,
bur first of all please know,
please do not worry, that I arrived here Okay.

I am up in Heaven, where I dwell with God above,
No pain, tears, or sadness, just eternal love.
When my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hug me and said I welcome you.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of site,
Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.
I wish you could see my magical set of wings.
Exquisite soft white feathers made from all of God's loving things.

So when your feeling sad and blue and think I'm not right here.
Just look around at all the beautiful things and know I am near.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but was not in vain,
I have all of heaven's glory
suffering non of the world's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,
I'm thankful for all you've done.
I'll be waiting here for you
in heaven up above.

Thank you Mommy and Daddy for making me,
You made me out of love,
I can't wait for the day I see you again
So you can see what I've become.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Firsts

Today we celebrated our risen Lord. We had an amazing service this morning at church. So humbled that He paid the price for me, for all of me. He paid it ALL. Dying on the cross allowed us freedom from our sin. I am reminded so much of what brought me to know Christ in a personal way. A freedom only He can offer.

My heart hurt today. My heart ached for my arms to hold a sweet little baby while praising our Risen Lord and saviour. I realized for the first time how this year of holidays and other days that remind me of Elias will be hard. Hard to not want him here with his family. Hard to not want him here to make memories. There were a ton of babies in service today. I loved watching and hearing there little voices. They bring a smile to my face but at the same time my heart is broken for the one precious boy I lost. They remind me of Elias, which I am actually very thankful for. Thankful I can see other babies grow and experience that newness, even if it is through anothers child. It helps fill a void that only a mother would feel to nurture and love her baby. He could be celebrating his first Easter with us, his family. Making his way through this first year of firsts. But today he celebrates first hand our Risen Lord!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Best Friends?

Here are some new pictures of my precious kiddos. They have been playing more together which has been fun to watch. Despite Ella being the younger one she likes things her way. Ethan is pretty compliant and tries to comprise with her often. This "compromising" can lead to some arguing/fighting. We are learning to use our words, to share and love each other. It so much fun to see them interact and play. Ethan uses the silliest of faces when we are trying to capture pictures. Love them to pieces!



Thursday, April 14, 2011

Another Week

Elias would be 8 weeks old tomorrow. 8 weeks, where has the time gone?

We spent our week hanging out at home. We did some cleaning, organizing and lots of playing. Two weeks ago I decided that we were watching way too much TV during the day. It had become a convenient way for me to do what I felt like I needed to do and not interact with our kiddos. Prior to these weeks we tried to watch one show or program a day. Now we are not big movie people so it was usually something on PBS, which is somewhat educational:) Or at least that is what I tell myself. Since Elias was born we probably were watching three or four programs a day! Yikes! So we have turned the TV off and it has been great for me and the kids. Its like we reconnected. Our days consist of book reading, worship time, coloring, playdoh, painting, hide and seek, walks, swinging, imaginary play with our little people, trains, kitchen set or baby dolls. Turning off the TV has meant for more intentional parenting on my part. I have been reminded of why I am at home. Not to organize and clean but to raise our children to love and obey our Lord and Savior. God is teaching me so much about myself and my selfish ways and refocusing on Him, my husband and our children.

I am speaking at our woman's ministry event at the end of April. God laid an outline on my heart and I have been trying to fill in the pieces. I am not a public speaker by nature but I know that this is a God given opportunity. An opportunity to show how God has truly carried me through my journey of carrying Elias, how he has taught me and continues to teach me so much about myself. An opportunity to share and show God's love, hope, and grace. If you think of it will you pray that I share God's words and not my own?

Time continues to pass. I have been struggling with this. I am trying to hold onto the time like I have control. I don't want to forget. I don't want to stop hurting. I don't want days to go by where Elias is not thought of. I am scared as time goes on that he will be lost, forgotten. Elias has a part of my heart that will never belong to someone or something else but I am still afraid. But how could a mother forget losing her precious son?

He Maketh No Mistake

My Fathers's way may twist and turn

My heart may throb and ache

But in my soul I'm glad I know

He maketh no mistake


My cherished plans may go astray,

My hopes may fade away.

But still I'll trust my Lord to lead,

For he doth know the way.

Though night be dark and it may seem

that day will never break.

I'll pin my faith,my all in Him.

He maketh no mistake.


There's so much now I cannot see,

My eyesight's too far dim;

But come what may,I'll surely trust

And leave it all to Him.


For by and by the mist will lift

And plain it all He'll make;

Through all the way, though dark to me,

He made not one mistake.

~A.M. Overton

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Necklaces I wear

I have been given three special necklaces from very special people. I wear them everyday, all together. How could I ever choose which one to wear? They all tell my story perfectly.

The first necklace I received from one of my best friends Mary, had a poem with it called "No Tears in Heaven". The charm is a teardrop. Here is the poem:

There are no tears in Heaven, so I have left behind this single, little teardrop to lovingly remind though absent from the body, I'm present with the Lord; the joy of my salvation is now my full reward. And just as God has promised, He's wiped my tears away, and nothing can compare to the wonder of that day. So wear this in my memory, and know that up above there are no tears in Heaven instead there's only Love.

The second necklace I received was from my mother and sisters. It is a single teardrop with two rose quartz stones. Here is the saying that came with the necklace.

Rose quartz is a stone of unconditional love and emotional healing. It emanates unconditional love and nurturance, supporting us through our grieving. It is truly a balm for the spirit and the heart. The teardrop represents the tears that we must cry, the sorrow that we must release, in order to begin to heal from our loss. As a gift, this necklace tells our loved ones that we care about their sorrow and their grief, that we understand the need for tears, that we are here to hold them close and offer comfort.

The third necklace came from a dear friend from church, Kristen. It is a mothers necklace. A stone to represent each of my babies. Garnet for Ethan, born January 18th. Saphire for Ella, born September 21st. Amethyst for Elias, born February 18th. Even when I do not have the strength to tell someone I have three children; the necklace will represent each one when I can not.

I am so thankful for each of these. Don't they tell my story perfectly? Life is going on but the pain is still here. Can not wait to hold him again!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Not Much

Not much going on here in the Barnes house. After starting the week on the "wrong" foot, the rest of the week seemed to go better. Tuesday we visited Elias, went to great grandma's house, took Corey out for lunch; and enjoyed some playtime outside. Wednesday my awesome mother in law came down to watch the kids so I could do some much needed errand running. Our last meal was Monday, so we desperately needed groceries and I needed some alone time. It was such a blessing to receive meals for over a month, but good to get back into the routine of life. Thursday we spent cleaning and playing outside. And today we ran a few errands, visited Elias, and played inside.

I am not sure if it was because we visited Elias twice this week or because Ethan is continuing to process all of this; but he had lots of questions today leaving the cemetery. He wondered why if Elias was not sick anymore why can he not come home? Why are all these other people here (as in other headstones)? Are they all in heaven? Will Elias always be here? Can we just take him home now? My heart breaks when Ethan gets confused. It does not seem permanent to him, but I continue to try to explain that if he decides to accept the Lord into his heart that he will go to heaven when he dies and will then see Elias not sick anymore. It breaks my heart that Ethan is going through all of this, but at the same time how awesome that because of losing my son, his brother he is wanting to know for sure how to meet Jesus and Elias again for sure. There is a HUGE blessing in that.

Yesterday I received a phone call from my ob office letting me know that more test results came back from the tissue sample they took, and there were some genetic issues. I spoke with a nurse and she could not really tell me what it all meant except that we should come in to talk to the doctor about the report. It was kind of a shock to get the phone call because at my post partum appointment it seemed that there was not conclusive evidence for Elias condition, but now that has changed. I was okay with not having a reason for Elias condition except that God choose us for Elias parents. Not that this has been taken out of Gods hands but it seems there might be a reason. Not sure how I feel or think about that. Corey and I are still praying to know God's will as to whether we will have more children or not. We have decided in the short term to wait and see what the Lord does in our hearts and lives. Knowing we have a higher chance of having another child with a birth defect or other issue will not influence our decision or at least that is my prayer. I pray that God will give us discernment and guidance in this area.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks and months pass we are reminded of our sweet Elias. From the phone call from the ob, a hard day or getting an invitation to a support group for moms who have lost their babies; it will never be the same. We love and miss you sweet Elias!