Monday, March 28, 2011

Today

So many times I wish I could talk ,wish I could share, wish I could cry. Wish I could feel what I am walking through. Wishing I could understand. Its hard to think about Elias, that he was here and gone. Its hard to believe that we buried him and now we go to this place to remember him. There is a part of it that does not feel real, did this really happen to our son? That I gave birth to a little sweet boy without a portion of his head and loved him, feel in love with him. The hurt and pain can come pouring out, today is one of those days. In the last four weeks there have not been very many of these days. The first week after Elias passed was the hardest and each day got better. Today I just miss him, miss not having that sweet boy in my arms. Longing to hold him one more time, even though I know that would not be enough. Longing to give kisses to his sweet cheeks. Longing to be his mother, to be a mother to a baby that is alive.

A few days after we buried Elias I had a dream that he was healed. It was a perfect dream and I remember waking up smiling. I can remember his beauitfully completed head and a full head of hair. His hair was thick, longer than any of my other childrens hair and a little red. He was sitting in a bouncey. In my dream I remember our nurse showing up at our house to visit Elias and walking over to his bouncey expecting to show her a baby with anencephaly but his head was healed. He was this perfectly healed little boy. I often think of this dream when I think about Elias. Think about how perfect his body is now that he is in heaven. I am not usually a big dream person but this was a special dream. A dream to be able to mend my broken heart seeing Elias healed. Despite that he was not healed on this side of eternity, my heart still rests in knowing that this was Gods plan for our family, for me. Elias has changed me, changed everyone around us. How awesome and great is our God to use this little life to change so many. Praises to Him.

"Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. " Lamentations 3:32

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