Friday, March 18, 2011

1 month

Can you believe that a whole month has passed since we celebrated the birth of Elias. The weeks are flying by. We are keeping ourselves busy. This week was full of appointments, doctor visits, and normal household duties. Lots I want to share tonight.

First, I had my post partum appointment this week. I had been looking forward to the appointment because the results of the placenta testing would be in. The doctor who delivered me sent it in for testing because it had some visual irregularities to it. However, there was nothing conclusive to why Elias developed anencephaly. I knew that most likely the testing would be inconclusive, but I think I was still hoping for some kind of answer. I went to the doctor by myself which after walking in to the office, I was not so sure I should have gone alone. I did not realize how many emotions of our journey would come flooding back. How the doppler being heard through the hallways might bring back how real my journey with Elias is. He was in my womb, he had a strong beating heart, he was here, he was with us. I often wonder if my pain, my heartache, my loss is written on my face. Sometimes I wish it was. I wish that people could look at me, look into my heart and see that my baby is not here and how badly I wish he was. I struggle with crying, feeling out loud these days, I wish it was not hard to show the pain.

Losing Elias has already brought so much glory to God's kingdom through so many lives. Well another life was touched Wednesday night and it was all because of God's work in my heart and life. Remember how I asked you to pray about sharing my testimony. God's peace was with me Wednesday night as I lead a young lady to the Lord. Thank you for all the prayers. I was in awe of how God was very clear that night that this young woman was ready to accept His love and grace. I was feeling really down after I shared my testimony because I left out a big chunk of what I thought I wanted to share. However God knew exactly what words needed to be spoken and who needed to hear them. The young lady who accepted the Lord this night had just lost a baby girl in November, she had 9 hours with her precious baby. At 17 this girl made the choice to carry her little girl despite knowing she would lose her. How strong and courageous she had already been. I pray that she continues to be strong by relying on our Lord. She has a tough road to break cycles and change life situations, but I know because of our God's love and grace He can carry her through. Will you join me in praying for her? I know the Lord knows her heart and situation, I rest in that. Praising the Lord for using my Elias to bring someone to know Him. Blessed be His Name!

Today Elias would have been one month old! This month would have been filled with lots of new things for us:
  • Bringing Elias home for his first time
  • First Bath
  • Understanding Elias signs for hunger, sleep and holding
  • Lots of nursing
  • Lots of rocking
  • Hopefully lots of sleeping
  • Singing my favorite songs to him
  • Watching him grow
  • Seeing how Ethan and Ella would have been loving on him and adjusting to having Elias with us

Instead we visit a place where we can go to remember him. Give him his little prize. Give him my heart. Give him my tears.

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