Saturday, February 26, 2011

Expectations

What types of expectations do you carry in your life? Expectations about how vacations might go, work related issues, for your children, how you might handle situations, how others might handle situations. Expectations come in lots of different areas of our life. Throughout my pregnancy with Elias I never had any expectations of what life would be like after Elias was born and had passed. I only looked forward to meeting Elias and had many expectations regarding my pregnancy and his life. This past week I have been a wreck at least a few or more times a day. I was not expecting to be hurting so badly. I do not doubt the Lords will for Elias' life. I know that God has been glorified and is continuing to be. Since I have no doubt, how could it still hurt this bad, how is it that I know God's work is being done in my life and others but have so much hurt. I emotionally hurt and the last two days I physically hurt. My body is constantly reminding me that I delivered a sweet little boy 8 days ago. Eights days that sometimes feels like just last hour and sometimes feels like eight weeks. I hurt to hold him, rub his feet, kiss his cheeks, soothe him, feed him, rock him, I hurt because he is gone. Gone onto to Heaven where he is made whole. I know he is perfect there. I had no expectation of what life would be like after Elias, but what I am walking through I would have never expected in a million years. I fall to my knees and ask the Father to take this away, to heal my heart.
While doing my quiet time yesterday my devotional that I am working through was on the verse in Psalm 139:13-14 "For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." We had chosen this verse to be printed with Elias obituary, and of course, here it is in my devotional the week that I have never expected. It is a great reminder for me that I need to be more focused on Him, this verse reveals how His Love for us is so intimate and he longs for us to praise Him because of it. So that is my expectation now- for Him to lead and me to follow hard after Him.

2 comments:

Amy G. said...

You are continually in my thoughts and prayers!

Jessica said...

My heart goes out to you. I am a friend of Anitra. Ive been praying for you since you found out about Elias' condition. Elias is a blessing! He is a beautiful little boy. You are an inspiration to us! Continuing to pray for you and your family.