Saturday, February 26, 2011

Expectations

What types of expectations do you carry in your life? Expectations about how vacations might go, work related issues, for your children, how you might handle situations, how others might handle situations. Expectations come in lots of different areas of our life. Throughout my pregnancy with Elias I never had any expectations of what life would be like after Elias was born and had passed. I only looked forward to meeting Elias and had many expectations regarding my pregnancy and his life. This past week I have been a wreck at least a few or more times a day. I was not expecting to be hurting so badly. I do not doubt the Lords will for Elias' life. I know that God has been glorified and is continuing to be. Since I have no doubt, how could it still hurt this bad, how is it that I know God's work is being done in my life and others but have so much hurt. I emotionally hurt and the last two days I physically hurt. My body is constantly reminding me that I delivered a sweet little boy 8 days ago. Eights days that sometimes feels like just last hour and sometimes feels like eight weeks. I hurt to hold him, rub his feet, kiss his cheeks, soothe him, feed him, rock him, I hurt because he is gone. Gone onto to Heaven where he is made whole. I know he is perfect there. I had no expectation of what life would be like after Elias, but what I am walking through I would have never expected in a million years. I fall to my knees and ask the Father to take this away, to heal my heart.
While doing my quiet time yesterday my devotional that I am working through was on the verse in Psalm 139:13-14 "For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." We had chosen this verse to be printed with Elias obituary, and of course, here it is in my devotional the week that I have never expected. It is a great reminder for me that I need to be more focused on Him, this verse reveals how His Love for us is so intimate and he longs for us to praise Him because of it. So that is my expectation now- for Him to lead and me to follow hard after Him.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Elias' Memorial Service Monday February 21st 2011

We celebrated the short time we had here on earth with Elias on Monday. It was a great morning full of reflection of what God has done for us and will continue to do in our lives. Elias' day here on earth was filled with perfect peace and serenity. The Lord was upon us in a way we had prayed and prayed over. At the bottom of this post you will find a letter that I wrote to share with everyone just how special this little guy was to me. There are and always will be more words to speak of how greatly he has affected my heart and others around me but until eternity.





This is an awesome and amazing slideshow Eileen put together for Elias in about 24hours. She is just the best.
video




To My Sweetest Elias,

Our journey started when I found out I was pregnant on June 13th 2010. From that moment you began to transform my heart and it will never be the same again. We started planning and thinking about how our life as a family would be changed by the addition of another child.

On Tuesday September 21st 2010 we learned how big that transformation would be. I was told that I should let you go. That letting you go now would be much easier then letting you go later. Your Daddy and I knew the second they spoke those words there was no choice really. The Lord had given you life through me and I was chosen to give you life as the Lord had given me mine. We began to pray for many things; that the Lord might heal you, that he would work in our lives to be able to understand and share why the Lord gave you to us. We also prayed that our Mighty Savior would be glorified over and over again through your life. There was no letting you go that day or any day afterwards. You were apart of us, of me, there was nothing that could change that. I was so humbled that God had chosen me to walk this journey to carry you and be your mother. I did not feel worthy, you are too special. My heart's desire was to allow the Lord to work in my life and be able to praise Him through yours, sweet Elias. The days, weeks and months were filled with so much peace and contentment knowing that our Lord was working. Working on what He had planned. As we prepared for your birth, we prayed over lots of decisions and wanted you to be comfortable and without suffering. Our prayer for your delivery and life was that the Lord would use it for whatever He wanted. We now can see how His perfect plan is always the best and exactly how it should be.

Do you know how many other hearts you have transformed? From the day we found out about you Elias, people loved and prayed for you. We have an amazing family, church family, and many close friends who continued to stretch their hands and hearts to our family because of you. So many people were praying and rejoicing in every aspect of your sweet life, from the time you were in my womb to the time you spent here on earth and now as you are in heaven. People love you and have been so proud to be able to hold and meet you. God has used you to change and unify a community.

When you first arrived, I was scared that you were only going to be with us for a few short minutes, but you proved us wrong. Even at this time God proved to be in control. I love how you showed me in your sweet life how much God loves me and how I will always be in his hands. You are such a precious little boy. I fell in love with you the second I saw you. You were perfect in my eyes - just perfect. When they layed you on my chest I saw no imperfections but love. You had these long fingers and toes. I never imagined you would be as big as you were. Weighing in at 5lbs. 4oz. and 18in. long you were much more than your Daddy and I expected. All day long we tried to study you so we would not forget. From your perfect fingers and toes to your cute little nose and little lips. Your chest was so strong. We sat all day admiring you. So many people were there to love you. You met your brother and sister who also loved your hands and feet. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles and two special friends of ours were there to love you and praise the Lord for your life. Your day here on earth was more than anyone of us could have imagined. Filled completely with love, laughter, tears, praises to the Lord, and prayers. Your day was filled wiwth the presence of the Lord more than ever in my life. He was carrying me throught thte day just as we prayed for. The Lord took you from my arms to his. We are so thankful in the blessing of him sweetly taking you into Heaven. You are made whole. As we were praising the Lord with our voices, you ran into Jesus arms. We knew you were taking that short trip and would be praising the Father at his feet. We cannot wait to meet you again and praise the Lord with you in our arms again.

Your life has deepened my relationship with the Lord more than I could have ever imagined it would. Scripture and the Lord's promises have been poured over me to soak into my heart and mind. We have been constantly reminded of how our lives should florify our Mighty Savior in ever aspect. Your are an example of God's presence and I never question His will for your life.
There is so much more to say, more than we could ever speak. I rest in knowing that you know all of this before it leaves my lips.

With all of my heart sweet Elias,

Your Mommy

People Dear to My Heart

First there are three people that I do not have pictures of which breaks my heart, but I will forever remember they were apart of Elias' life-Corey's brother and sister and our night nurse, Kristen. Corey's brother and sister came later in the afternoon which was after our sweet sweet photographer left. It is amazing that he was able to meet each of these people and touch their hearts and lives. I am so thankful they were all able to be there. My sisters and Mom spent all day and well into their evening with us or in the waiting room. I am so glad that they were there with me the whole day. My two very dear and special friends Anitra and Mary spent their entire night on their knees praying to our Lord for Elias and me. I am eternally grateful for their friendship, devotion to the Lord and love. They mean the world to me, I am so glad the Lord brought them into my life. We are especially grateful for Corey's parents. They spent two nights at our house so our kids did not have to be away from home, how awesome is that. I was a nervous wreck leaving for the hospital Thursday night because we had never left the kids before. However, Ethan and Ella love their grandparents and had a great two days with them. Our nurses were amazing. We had prayed and prayed over our labor and delivery and the people involved. God had his hand over us this entire day but gave us a gift in our nurses. They have touched my heart with their love and kindness, they are amazing nurses. Our pediatrician Dr. Sanders, came and met Elias, checked him out just like any other baby that would be under her care. She had good advice and I was impressed by her more than ever.

Eileen...There are just no words to describe the gift she has given us. I met Eileen through a mutual friend, where she had come to learn of the journey I was walking. She offered to take a maternity session and pictures of Elias after he was born. When doing our maternity session she also offered to take pictures of labor and delivery. I accepted, and I will be forever grateful for her. Giving up her time and energy to give us something no one else could. She has created memories for me that will allow me to never forget. What a special gift you have Eileen, thank you for sharing it with me.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

All Praises To You

Elias went to be with our Lord and savior last night at 11:25pm. He slipped beautifully from our arms to the Lords as we were praising Him with our voices. It could not have been a more perfect and peaceful time. We give all praise and blessing back to our God. Many times over we are so thankful for prayers, love and support from all our family and friends.
Here is the song we were praising the Lord with as Elias passed.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name

Friday, February 18, 2011

Welcome Elias Andrew

Elias Andrew made his debut this morning at 6:21am, weighing in at 5lbs 40z and 18in long. We are approaching 12 hours of peaceful, loving time spent with him. What a huge blessing of time and peace upon us. Thank you everyone for your prayers!!!!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Details

Just the facts to share this afternoon. Corey and I are heading to the hospital around 9pm tonight to start the induction process. We thank everyone for all their prayers, thoughts and love, they mean a lot to us. We will try to post something tomorrow when sweet Elias has arrived.
"Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, Just as we hope in You." Psalm 33:22

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wednesday Night

Too many emotions tonight; tears, sadness, laughter, smiling, irritable, frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, fear, anticipation, more tears and more laughter. I am just all over the place. I am so thankful for all the emails, facebook messages and prayers that people are sharing with me. Those prayers and messages are keeping me moving along. I am in awe of how many people are praying for us. Really do not feel worthy.
Praying for God to be glorified in the coming days, praying that he would heal Elias if that is his will, praying for strength and reliance on Him.
"But You O Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the One who lifts up my head." Psalm 3:3
" I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will tell of all Your marvelous works. I will be glad and rejoice in You: I will praise to Your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

Friday, February 11, 2011

Maternity/Family Pictures



Corey and I have been so privileged to come in contact with Eileen owner of Traditions Photography in South Bend. She had heard about Elias and our journey through a friend we go to church with and contacted us. She is affiliated with an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which photographs babies after they pass for parents. It is a great gift to parents and I am so thankful for her willingness to photograph these types of situations. She offered to do a maternity/family session for us. She did an amazing job and the pictures turned out better than I could of ever hoped! Memories to last us a lifetime! Once again I am so humbled by all the willing hearts to help us walk this valley.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Doctors Visit

We had our doctors appointment this afternoon with no expectations. We left everything in the Lords hands and for his timing. Nothing has changed as far as my body progressing further toward delivery so we have another appointment scheduled for next Thursday morning. If I have not had Elias before then we will go in Thursday night for an induction. The doctor who will be on call next weekend delivered Ethan and we are totally comfortable with him helping us through this delivery. Not sure if I ever shared this but at the end of December the high risk doctor we had been seeing let us know he was leaving the practice effective January 1st and would not be able to help in delivering Elias! I was scared and felt a little abandoned. However, after praying and thinking it through, we decided to stay with the practice and see a rotation of doctors. It has been a learning experience for me and I think for our doctors as well. We hopefully have all learned how to communicate better, see others opinions without letting ours get in the way, and that the doctors have seen the love of God through Corey and I.
God has given us the gift of time the last week and hopefully the next week. I was up way too late last night and came up with a list of things that I want to do for Elias and my family before he arrives. I am so thankful for a God that knows everything especially in times when I have no idea!
"You know my sitting down and my rising up;You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down. And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;It is high, I cannot attain it. " Psalm 139:2-6

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Days

We have been plugging along since our last doctors appointment trying to keep our routine going. We filled our weekend with shopping, eating out twice, watching a nephews hockey game, worshiping at church; and enjoying some family time for the super bowl. Corey and I both tend to get stir crazy at home after a period of time, so we knew we needed to keep busy or else I might just bleach clean everything:) I spent Monday with a dear friend who came just to sit and hang out with me on a non busy day. It was great to have her here to just talk while the kids played. Today, we ran some errands to the credit union and Walmart; and got Ethan's hair cut. Its amazing how in five weeks his hair can grow and be so crazy. He looks so handsome with his hair trimmed up. Tomorrow, my sister and I plan to take my Grandma out to lunch. We are going to try a new restaurant which will add some excitement to our adventure. Since Grandpa passed, I have really been trying to spend at least one day a week with her for a few hours. I enjoy her company and I think she likes my craziness too:) I think we filled up our days until we get to Thursday and have another doctors visit. I am not nearly as nervous this week as last. It seems I have just allowed God to work in the way I should have from the beginning. Each day my quiet time seems to be exactly what I need to get me through the day. I have also been so blessed by so many emails and messages with great verses and words of encouragement.
I have been feeling really well physically and some what emotionally. I have not had any contractions, and have not been really uncomfortable which is a blessing. I continue to enjoy this blessing inside my womb kicking and flipping his way around. Mommy loves you so much sweet Elias.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
I just LOVE being able to rest in all of Gods promises, Don't you?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Update

Today I thought I would meet our sweet Elias. Today is not the day. We had a doctors appointment yesterday and what we thought would be deciding on details of an induction today did not happen. I continue to wait on the Lord and his perfect timing. I feel like I have let all my prayer warriors down today, all the prayers that have been sent up to Him for our family today and over the last few months are more than appreciated. I am thankful for continuous love and support for us as today is just not the day. We will wait on the Lord and his promises.
"My Brethern, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let the patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Anticipation

We were supposed to have a doctor's appointment today, but due to the blizzard that came last night our appointment was canceled. I was anticipating this appointment because of discussion concerning induction and progress I may have made towards delivery. The doctors office never called, and their closing was never posted on the internet so I was having a little anxiety this morning. I know Corey would have gotten us their safely but I now know God had another plan for me today. That plan was to let it go and allow Him to be in control. After prayer, talking with a few good friends and of course some tears I let God be in control. A few hours later my doctors office called and said I could be seen tomorrow at 10:30! Its amazing how the Lord knows exactly how I need things to happen to allow Him to be in the driver seat. I am only a passenger on this road of life.
I have had a few friends that have brought this verse in Isaiah into my heart over the last few days. I have felt numb/speechless in some sense. I think that God is laying his hands and strength upon me. I am letting go of this burden and heartache, I am letting Him carry it.

"He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young man shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:29-31