Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tired

We again had somewhat of a busy weekend celebrating Ethan's big third birthday. It was loads of fun but as you all know work to get ready for. I am feeling so tired; not really physically but mentally and emotionally. I am not sure how much longer I can attempt to hold it together. Just tired.
Tired of sadness.
Tired of not being able to let anyone know how I am really feeling.
Tired of only crying when I am alone - by my own doing.
Tired of knowing I will most likely only hold Elias for a short amount of time.
Tired of being ready, I know I really do not want this time of Elias being alive and safe in my tummy to end but I am feeling ready.
Tired of guilt for not being a better wife, Mom or friend some days when I am feeling oh so tired.
Tired of strangers telling me my hands will be full with three little ones when in reality they won't be full but empty.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of seeing the clothes that I am hoping to be able to dress Elias in.
Tired of seeing other pregnant woman who I know will have healthy beautiful children.
Tired of feeling guilty for being so sad when I see other pregnant woman.
Just tired...The cry of my heart is to rest in the promises of God and allow him to do what he pleases in my life and my families.

"I will praise the name of God with a song, And will magnify Him with thanksgiving."
Psalm 69:30

5 comments:

Mary said...

Loving Father, be with Jessica now. Strengthen her. Hold her, carry her through these days and weeks ahead. Give her peace and relief from sadness. Father, heal.
Love you Jess. Mary

Anitra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anitra said...

I love you, Jess! Remember I am here to listen about anything you feel like saying... even if it is the middle of the night. Praying for peace, rest, and joy for you in the coming days.

Amy G. said...

Jessica, we continue to pray for you and your family!! Sending love and prayers!!!!!!

Two Crazy Coaches said...

You have every right to feel the way you do. That's why we have such a big God to turn to. May you feel him carrying you through these next few weeks. Love you!