Saturday, January 29, 2011

Special Hearts


I have been so blessed by the people who have surrounded themselves around me to lift me up in prayers and words of encouragement. Its hard to believe that they have sacrificed time, energy, prayers and love for our family. I don't seem worthy. My hope and prayer is that I have learned from each of these families and allowed God to work in my life in these areas.
I received an awesome gift. Awesome is probably not the most adequate word but it is truly an amazing gift and work of love. Some woman who are near and dear to my heart put together a scrapbook for Elias. In this scrapbook are some verses I have shared over the past few months, pictures of events I have spent with them while pregnant; and so many words of love for Elias and our family. I am so humbled. I pray that Elias might have the chance to see this book someday.
Ironically today before Ethan's nap we read a bible story and it happened to be the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet. A story where God teaches us to love and give to others like so many people have done for us. John 13: 15-17 "For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master;nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them."
The encouraging emails that I have received from friends, family, people whom I have not yet met, and this scrapbook have pointed me back to the Lord continuously. My prayer and challenge for myself is that one day I can return these acts just as Jesus has directed us to.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ready?

Its hard to say exactly what has been going on emotionally for me the last couple of weeks, but it has come with peace. God has continued to extended his peace to me just as he has since Corey and I found out about Elias condition. Peace that God is in control and that he knows everything!
"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3
Two nights ago I woke to having contractions. The contractions continued for about four and half hours every eight to ten minutes until my body gave in and feel asleep. During these hours I was feeling desperate, scared, and so nervous. I had no bag packed or real set plan for the kids. I was not yet completely ready. However, I feel God was preparing me to be ready when the time comes to meet Elias. I just kept thinking how am I going to be able to let go of him? The Holy Spirit just kept knocking on my heart that God hears me, he is all knowing; and his time is perfect. "I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry." Psalm 40:1
So, we have not yet met Elias. We wait. I wait in joy, sadness, scaredness, nervousness, numbness and most of all I wait patiently. Its hard to imagine the events of the next few weeks and how everything from his delivery to passing to the funeral to the burial will go. It is in God's hands and we will rest in that promise. But I am not sure how I will ever be able to let Elias go? I just keep having this vision of a nurse or someone taking him from me and me begging for a bit longer with him. I can not let go, not yet. Praying for a miracle!
"But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, That I may declare all Your works." Psalm 73:28
"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blesses are all those who wait for Him."Isaiah 30:18

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Ethan is 3!!!


Its really hard to believe that Ethan is three years old!!! We had a great time celebrating with family. He really got into his birthday this year which made it loads of fun the days leading up to his party. Ethan is such a wonderful little boy and fits perfectly into our family.
The things I love about him most these days are his cheese smile, his willingness to help clean or help pick up toys, his love for his Daddy, how he loves going to church to learn about God,see his friends and make a craft, watching his imagination grow, how he only wants to snuggle with mommy in the morning but its all about Daddy at night time, his love for his sister. He is such a sweet, loving little boy. I don't know what we would do without him!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tired

We again had somewhat of a busy weekend celebrating Ethan's big third birthday. It was loads of fun but as you all know work to get ready for. I am feeling so tired; not really physically but mentally and emotionally. I am not sure how much longer I can attempt to hold it together. Just tired.
Tired of sadness.
Tired of not being able to let anyone know how I am really feeling.
Tired of only crying when I am alone - by my own doing.
Tired of knowing I will most likely only hold Elias for a short amount of time.
Tired of being ready, I know I really do not want this time of Elias being alive and safe in my tummy to end but I am feeling ready.
Tired of guilt for not being a better wife, Mom or friend some days when I am feeling oh so tired.
Tired of strangers telling me my hands will be full with three little ones when in reality they won't be full but empty.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of seeing the clothes that I am hoping to be able to dress Elias in.
Tired of seeing other pregnant woman who I know will have healthy beautiful children.
Tired of feeling guilty for being so sad when I see other pregnant woman.
Just tired...The cry of my heart is to rest in the promises of God and allow him to do what he pleases in my life and my families.

"I will praise the name of God with a song, And will magnify Him with thanksgiving."
Psalm 69:30

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Junk

We had a busy weekend at the Barnes house. We had a mess in our basement, with junk filling almost every corner it seemed. It was time to re-organize and I was super excited. If you don't know, I love to clean, throw out, and create a nice tidy spot for almost everything. We worked most of Saturday afternoon and some of Sunday. We threw out lots of boxes and moved a ton of stuff around. Everything seems to be in a place for now.
It seems as if times in our life we might have "junk" filling every corner of our hearts. Cleaning out our basement was some sort of rejuvenation for me taking all of my junk right to the cross. By taking my junk I mean my burdens that stretch from one corner of my heart to another. I have been struggling the past few weeks with fear of the unknown, sadness, learning how to show and share my emotions (something that was never hard for me before walking through this valley), patience and resentment. While cleaning out our basement, I realized that I need to clean out my heart. Take my sins/burdens/junk to Him, lay them at the cross. He has already forgiven me of them! There is no re-organizing my heart, pushing them from one side to another. They need to be wiped cleaned. I am so grateful they have been wiped cleaned by His sacrifice for me.

At the Foot of the Cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me your love
Through the judgement you received
And you've won my heart
And you've won my heart

Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross

Where I have been made complete
You have given me life
Through death you bore for me
And you have won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross