It has been awhile since I have posted for many reasons. First, I've been very tired and it seems that after the kids go to bed I just want to relax and not really think. Secondly, the last few weeks have been emotionally taxing, and it has been difficult to put my thoughts on paper. On October 24th my Grandpa Smith passed away. He was a rock to our family and to me. Grandpa was someone who I knew would always be there. Although his health had been failing the last several months, I was not emotionally prepared to say goodbye to my grandpa who has meant so much. The week after he passed was a week full of sharing memories, love, tears and laughter with an extended family that I am so grateful for and love so dearly. Two of my cousins were able to share his life story and accomplishments at the funeral which was amazing. They spoke of a man who had great integrity, love for his family, hard worker and loved everyone. I came across this poem the other day and thought instantly of my Grandpa who was loved very dearly and missed daily.
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, and in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
During the week of my Grandpa's funeral Corey and I were both reflective of our son Elias and the road ahead of us. As I mentioned before, although we all knew that Grandpa's health had been failing, its not possible to be emotionally prepared to let go of loved ones. Corey and I both know that God is giving us this time of pregnancy to prepare ourselves to completely let go of Elias; however, despite feeling peace and contentment that we are to be obedient to God's plan for our family, I don't think Corey or I are completely prepared for this journey. Most days I feel like I am experiencing a "normal" pregnancy with all of Elias movement, heartburn and tiredness. Each time I experience these pregnancy symptoms I am reminded of God's plan for Elias. I try to continue about my activities without focusing on our earthly loss of Elias. It is all the prayers, my two perfect and healthy kids; and my husband that keep me going past those thoughts. I want to remember this pregnancy as a happy, loving, and bonding time for Elias and I and my family. Despite wanting this out of my pregnancy with Elias there are some realities that are hard to deal with. The reality of deciding on a memorial service, the reality of trying to explain to people that our baby will not be with us for very long, the reality of trying to understand how to talk to our children about their brother. I just pray that our Lord continues to draw me closer to him and to keep turning to him in all the tears and laughter! I look ahead to our next couple of weeks meeting with the funeral home, new doctors; and whoever may cross our path and are able to see Gods gift of life and love for all.