Today I could not open my eyes for when I did I was scared that the news I learned would still be real. Yesterday at this same time I was getting ready for the day with no worries, fears or anxiety. I opened my eyes as I heard Ethan's feet running toward my bed and at that moment I remembered that God is in control and that I am the servant he has chosen for this task. I grabbed Ethan in my arms so thankful for this little boy in a way I had not known before yesterday. Its amazing how in a short amount of time I am able to appreciate these two healthy and beautiful children God has given us in a new light. Understanding that this is the path that God has called us, this verse has brought me peace, comfort, and excitement. "Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. " Jeremiah 33:3
Its amazing how numb my body feels, yet I have this horrible headache and can not get rid of the feeling that I want to throw up. Everything is so overwhelming but every time it builds up all I can do is turn to God and give him joy, glory and rejoice in him. Its amazing how I have fallen in love with worship music all over again. Just as I had as I became a Christ follower. Corey and I am awed by the people wanting to help in anyway possible. Meals, cleaning, you name it they would do it. Its been such a relief not needing to worry about dinner, especially with Ethan and Ella. Its so comforting to know that people are praying. It is in the weak moments when I break down, I remember all the people praying for us and am comforted in your prayers. I am feeling a lot like Moses when the Lord reassures him in Exodus 3:12 "So he said, "I will certainly be with you, and this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you..." I know he is with me, holding me in his hand.
There is a part of me that wants to go back, go back to routine life, schedules, and activities. I feel like everything has come to a halt but in reality everything is continuing around us. We had planned on having Ella's first birthday party tomorrow. We canceled, re-scheduled, canceled and now its back on:) I am somewhat relieved that we are having her party. It will be good to be around family and do something that is "normal". I feel like I need to come to an understanding that this is my new normal...coming to understand that Elias will only be with us for a short amount of time and to allow God to have complete control over every second. My heart is forever changed by Elias and I give God all the glory.
I am so thankful for the people God has surrounded me with. Know you are loved very much.