Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Waiting

We are so blessed by all of you who have put your arms around us during this time. We have an amazing family and church family. Corey and I walked out of church on Sunday and said, "Our church is awesome." We are comforted by your prayers and support. You all have truly been a blessing.
This week seems to be never ending. Our situation seems to be never ending. However, two of my closest friends are coming over for lunch tomorrow. It will be good to spend some valuable time with them. I am trying to process what delivery and the time after delivery will be like, and it seems hard to wrap my mind around it. We go back to the doctor on 10/15, so hopefully the doctor can help answer some questions. Corey and I also have decided that we need to get a 3D/4D ultrasound done since our office does not do them. I am excited to be able to see Elias and to do all we can to know him before our Lord decides to take him. I am excited and also nervous for the ultrasound since we will really be able to see the physical affects of anencephaly. At the same time I think it will better prepare us for delivery and our time with Elias. I am praying for the strength that God has given to continue to be strong as the days go by. It is hard to continue in the normalcy of life knowing that our child will not be with us for very long. I feel like I should be spending every moment grieving and praying for him. I also feel like God has given me opportunities to share his love with others, love my children differently, love my husband in a new way, love my Lord in a new way that I would not have been able to if Elias was not given to us. I am so thankful for this sweet child and what he is bringing to my life. Sweet little Elias how I long to hold you and keep you warm, rock you to sleep and snuggle with you. I long to see your smile, hear your laugh, know the color of your eyes. You are already serving our heavenly Father in a way none of us can. Know you are loved, sweet Elias.
"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD." Psalms 27:13-14

Friday, September 24, 2010

Prepartion

For the last four months, I have been preparing my heart, family, and home for a new baby to come into our lives. Preparing for the endless nursing sessions, sleepless nights, double diaper duty, organizing bedrooms, endless laundry (which is already in progress), making sure all my children are loved and their needs are met. However, today while cleaning and organizing I realized that my preparation is different now. I am no longer preparing to bring my child home to our house but to prepare him for the Lord's house. I am preparing my heart so that our sweet Elias's life be given completely over to God. I do not want to get in the way of what God is doing in our lives through this sweet child. I want Him to be in control because I know that I can not. I tend to schedule everything from eating times, nap time, laundry time, play time, devotional time. Whatever can be scheduled I schedule. Its no longer my time to schedule but his. His timing is perfect and I rest in that.

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My heart

Wednesday 9/22/2010

Today I could not open my eyes for when I did I was scared that the news I learned would still be real. Yesterday at this same time I was getting ready for the day with no worries, fears or anxiety. I opened my eyes as I heard Ethan's feet running toward my bed and at that moment I remembered that God is in control and that I am the servant he has chosen for this task. I grabbed Ethan in my arms so thankful for this little boy in a way I had not known before yesterday. Its amazing how in a short amount of time I am able to appreciate these two healthy and beautiful children God has given us in a new light. Understanding that this is the path that God has called us, this verse has brought me peace, comfort, and excitement. "Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. " Jeremiah 33:3

Friday 9/24/2010

Its amazing how numb my body feels, yet I have this horrible headache and can not get rid of the feeling that I want to throw up. Everything is so overwhelming but every time it builds up all I can do is turn to God and give him joy, glory and rejoice in him. Its amazing how I have fallen in love with worship music all over again. Just as I had as I became a Christ follower. Corey and I am awed by the people wanting to help in anyway possible. Meals, cleaning, you name it they would do it. Its been such a relief not needing to worry about dinner, especially with Ethan and Ella. Its so comforting to know that people are praying. It is in the weak moments when I break down, I remember all the people praying for us and am comforted in your prayers. I am feeling a lot like Moses when the Lord reassures him in Exodus 3:12 "So he said, "I will certainly be with you, and this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you..." I know he is with me, holding me in his hand.

There is a part of me that wants to go back, go back to routine life, schedules, and activities. I feel like everything has come to a halt but in reality everything is continuing around us. We had planned on having Ella's first birthday party tomorrow. We canceled, re-scheduled, canceled and now its back on:) I am somewhat relieved that we are having her party. It will be good to be around family and do something that is "normal". I feel like I need to come to an understanding that this is my new normal...coming to understand that Elias will only be with us for a short amount of time and to allow God to have complete control over every second. My heart is forever changed by Elias and I give God all the glory.

I am so thankful for the people God has surrounded me with. Know you are loved very much.

In Christ,
Jessica

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Its a Boy, Elias Andrew

Today I had an appointment for my routine ultrasound. During that appointment Corey and I learned that our child has a disorder called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a cephalic disorder that results from a neural tube defect that occurs when the cephalic (head) end of the neural tube fails to close, usually between the 23rd and 26th day of pregnancy, resulting in the absence of a major portion of the brain, skull and scalp. Everything is developing- his heart is beating very strongly and he is moving his arms and legs. We went back to see a high risk doctor the following day to confirm the diagnosis. I also had blood work done and my protein levels were eight times above the average number.

The first doctor recommended we terminate pregnancy immediately. It was a lot to understand at that moment. Corey and I asked some questions and knew we needed to seek a second opinion. I knew after seeing my child's heart beat, his activity, and everything else about him, that our little boy is a special living child created by God. We have decided to carry this little boy, Elias Andrew, full term. There is no hope for survival. He will either be born still, live a few minutes, hours, or days; but will only be with us for a short amount of time. I have the uttermost peace knowing that God is calling me to be his servant in this and that he will see us through. I pray that I glorify Him and that only HIS will be done.